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textsfromstarkiller:(801): I’m too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.

textsfromstarkiller:(317): Do you think telling guys I’m majoring in magic is a good pickup line?

textsfromstarkiller:(503): Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway

textsfromstarkiller:(905): I’m a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy

textsfromstarkiller:(610): I’m way too sober and people are way too heterosexual

textsfromstarkiller:(212): Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The g

textsfromstarkiller:(304): You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing

textsfromstarkiller:(702): Don’t get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts

textsfromstarkiller:(920): There’s nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad

textsfromstarkiller:(727): The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he’d arrested in a while. I’m sti

textsfromstarkiller:(561): I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pi

textsfromstarkiller:(843): Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggl

textsfromstarkiller:(623): I’m at that point in my life where stripping isn’t the worst thing I woul

textsfromstarkiller:(403): No he can’t come. I swear to gods he’s “Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” gi

textsfromstarkiller:(714): You smoked too much and passed out, didn’t you?(801): You know me so well

textsfromstarkiller:(727): would you eat cereal with weed in it(1-727): who is this???

textsfromstarkiller:(606): If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to

textsfromstarkiller:(585): My “lord keep me from stabbing a bitch” prayer has gotten a lot of miles

textsfromstarkiller: (512): You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea…

textsfromstarkiller:(514): What are you, a fucking toaster ?

textsfromstarkiller:(785): Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me t

textsfromstarkiller:(501): No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anythin

textsfromstarkiller:(440): WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT

textsfromstarkiller:(713): I’ve seen you dance and let’s just say its a good thing you don’t have a

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