stuckinabucket:I think probably the best, most ridiculous sort of story out there is the one that hi
stuckinabucket:I think probably the best, most ridiculous sort of story out there is the one that hinges on the idea that men are spectacularly vain, arrogant, and faithless. There’s the subset of this story that usually hinges on nobody ever being curious enough to look in the box/room/mirror/whatever, but those typically at least have some path by which terrible fate can circumvent the plucky protagonist. A story in which everybody has to cooperate and adhere to some stupid term is a story where the outcome is a foregone conclusion.But in so many of these damn things, you’ve got this dude who’s married to a demon or a fairy or a what-the-fuck-ever, and she loves him, and thanks to her he’s been wildly fortunate and successful, and basically everything’s fantastic. And literally all he has to do to keep this going is not stick his dick in another woman. That’s it. To keep his eternally-young, practically-omnipotent wife and the amazing life she’s given him, the only requirement is that he not bang other chicks.And the entire time you’re reading this story or watching this movie, you know it’s a given that he’s going to go bang some other chick. Why? Dunno. He just does. I mean, obviously, the literal reason is that the story requires he cheat. There’s no climax if he does the non-ridiculously stupid thing and remembers that his wife could rip him limb from limb and eat him if he does that one thing she told him not to. Why that story keeps getting told, though, is beyond me, because it’s unbefuckinglievably silly.Like, you’d think it wouldn’t really have legs. Most people, you sit them down and explain that this very attractive person who they love dearly and is showering them with gold and so forth will continue to do so, provided they do this one small thing, will nod politely and think that’s a fair trade. And then when you explain that this very attractive person is also secretly terrifying and will not only take away their gifts but might also murder them to death in a rage if that condition isn’t met, well. If you take a long, hard look at your life and realize that monogamy just isn’t for you, right then’s the time to bail, bro.“I love you, Demon Bride from the Seventh Hell, but I’m not in love with you. I hope we can stay friends, but I think we’d just be better off with people who share our own cultural values, especially about the murder-for-infidelity thing.”I mean The Sorcerer and the White Snake was a fun movie, don’t get me wrong, but the entire plot was just Jet Li doing his damnedest to ruin a happy marriage. (Turns out celibate dudes do not make the best relationship counselors.) Jason and Medea is 90% “Have you learned nothing from your previous adventures with this woman?”. Ondine’s story is a testament to thinking carefully about one’s phrasing.But nobody in these things ever just sits the guy down and says, “Better be sure about this, guy, because you’re going to get devoured by a pack of wild dogs the second you cheat on her.” Nobody ever hears about this, shrugs, and goes “There’s a reason we call him Faithful Bob, guy.” Dude in question’s friends never discover the terrible secret and resolve to cockblock him every time he thinks about taking a mistress. Nope. Either the couple breaks up, or the husband’s minced meat on toast points.It’s just taken as a given that no guy could ever, possibly, even under constant threat of horrible supernatural death, not cheat on his wife. Beautiful? Check. Young? Check. Desirable? Check. Rich? Check. They’re in love with her? Check. None of that matters, in ten years they’re going to try and pork a servant-girl/their best friend’s wife/a neighboring kingdom’s princess? Check check checkity check check check.So you’re left just going along for the ride with this story, and it’s kind of like watching any sci-fi movie involving Keanu Reeves. At first you’re all “Yeah, I get this, this kind of makes sense!” and then as time goes on, you’re left increasingly skeptical of the entire premise of the story and the rules under which this world operates.Trusted Adviser: “You must keep it in your pants with everyone but your hot, nubile, beloved wife!”Increasingly Doomed Protagonist: “Noooooooooo! Fidelity, my only weakness! How did you know?”Bro Chorus: “But think of the way she’ll tear your head off and drink your blood in anger if you bang the sympathetic barista who liked your novel!”Completely Fucked Protagonist: “I can’t! It’s too late! Coooooooooooooooock rampaaaaaaaaaaaage!”And you’re just going “I…what? How hard is it to just…not do this? Why is this the linchpin of the story? Frodo spent three whole books not giving into the One Ring, dude, the least you can fucking do is not ask the waitress for a blowjob the second your wife goes to visit her mom.” and the story’s still asking you to take this incredibly seriously, like it’s just this absolute given that no struggle could ever be as difficult as some muppet’s inability to master his dick. It’s just too bonkers. You’re left eating your popcorn and saying “Okay, sure, let’s roll with that” at each beat in the action. -- source link