ceanothusspinosus:wearethekat:likeniobe:it’s really important that everyone read mallory ortbe

ceanothusspinosus:wearethekat:likeniobe:it’s really important that everyone read mallory ortberg’s sir gawain and the green knight parody agree 100%. so important that I am going to paste the rest of it here. (one note– I think that the author goes by Daniel Ortberg nowadays, but don’t quote me on that. regardless, Ortberg is a treasure)GAWAIN: your clothes – your hair – your face – they’re all greenGREEN KNIGHT: that’s not all of me that’s greenGAWAIN: what is that supposed to meanGREEN KNIGHT: let’s play a gameyou hit me today and i’ll hit you a year from nowGAWAIN: it’s ChristmasGREEN KNIGHT: finehit me today and i’ll hit you a year and a day from nowhappy?GAWAIN: I don’t understand the rules of this gameor the prizewhat is the end goal hereGREEN KNIGHT: are you going to try to cut my head off or what[GAWAIN cuts the GREEN KNIGHT’s head off]GREEN KNIGHT: great hitsee you in a year[The GREEN KNIGHT picks his head up and rides away]GAWAIN: oh my GodKING ARTHUR: honestlymy advice to you is not even worry about thisGUINEVERE: yeah do not take this seriouslyGAWAIN: why would I do thatthat’s a terrible ideathis man can’t die and I have to let him strike me in a yearKING ARTHUR: look i just said that was my adviceGREEN KNIGHT: welcome to my castle, we’ve definitely never cut off each other’s heads before, my name is Bertilak and I am a regular human color, how are youGAWAIN: Hellothank you for your hospitality, but I cannot stay longI have an appointment with a man at the Green Chapel in a few daysGREEN KNIGHT: that is JUST down the road from here, probablyyou should just stay here until it’s time for that, stay here with me and my wifeGAWAIN: very wellI acceptGREEN KNIGHT: oh but shoot I have to go on a hunt, like right nowso why don’t we just agree to play a game for as long as you’re staying herewhere I bring you whatever I find during the dayand you bring me whatever you find during the dayGAWAIN: what an odd suggestionwhy don’t I just come hunting with you instead?GREEN KNIGHT: NOYOU STAY HERE IN THE CASTLE AND YOU GIVE ME WHATEVER YOU FIND HEREGAWAIN: but you already own everything in the castle, it’s your c –GREEN KNIGHT: I WILL SEE YOU ON THE MORROWLADY BERTILAK: whatcha kissin’GAWAIN: what?nothingLADY BERTILAK: let’s make outGAWAIN: I don’t feel like we should do thatLADY BERTILAK: if you don’t kiss me at least once it would really hurt my feelingsGAWAIN: wellif it would hurt your feelingsLADY BERTILAK: greatnow you can make out with my husband tonightGREEN KNIGHT: GAWAINI have brought you a deer from today’s huntwhat do you have for meGAWAIN: I uhI guess I have some kissing for you to haveGREEN KNIGHT: sounds great [they kiss]ok see you tomorrowGAWAIN: oh I really don’t want to play this game again, this is making me sort of unco –GREEN KNIGHT: see you tomorrowLADY BERTILAK: let’s have sexGAWAIN: Okay, no for two reasonsone is that you are my host’s wife and also it goes against every vow of knighthood everand the second half of the second reason is that then I would have to also have sex with your husbandaccording to your weird castle sex gameLADY BERTILAK: mm that sounds like a Gawain problemnot a Lady Bertilak problemGAWAIN: I’m not having sex with youLADY BERTILAK: finehere’s my underwear though, you have to take itotherwise it would be rudeGAWAIN: well I don’t want to be rudeexcuse me, I have to go kiss your husband againGREEN KNIGHT: Well, Gawainit’s been a great time here at Castle Makeoutbut you’d better go fight that Green Knight you keep talking aboutGAWAIN: I will probably perish when it is his turn to deliver the blowFarewell, friendGREEN KNIGHT: GawainGawain it was me the whole timeGAWAIN: whatGREEN KNIGHT: I’m the same guyand I’m not gonna kill youI’m just gonna fuck up your neck a little because you kept my wife’s underwear and didn’t tell mebut you’re all right, guyyou’re all rightGAWAIN: what the hellwhat the hell was the point of any of thiswhy the hell did you set all this up forGREEN KNIGHT: :)GAWAIN: what the HELLKNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE: henceforth we shall all wear green sashesto celebrate the valuable lesson we have learned this dayGAWAIN: WHAT LESSONWHAT THE HELL HAPPENEDKNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE: :) (Goes by Daniel Lavery now!) -- source link

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