missescargotpudding: Teaching with grief is difficult. Yesterday marked the 2nd month that I have ha

missescargotpudding:Teaching with grief is difficult.Yesterday marked the 2nd month that I have had to continue to function, been expected to excel and exceed, and meet the unrealistic demands of my job while nursing a hole in my heart and soul that will never disappear. You will never be as old as I am now (25). I will never be an Aunt. We won’t grow old together, we won’t grieve our parents together. Everyday I remember and forget, remember and forget, and each time its a painful, bone-cutting surprise.I didn’t realize it was the two month anniversary of your passing until I found myself happy one moment and crying uncontrollably the next - luckily I had made it home first.I teach because of you. I teach because I remember how unfair the difference in our experiences were. I teach because I remember how you loved school so much, and then cried and cried each day because of it. I teach because you were brilliant and beautiful and kind and your early label as a ‘bad kid’, your misdiagnoses of ADD, your stint in the special education program that you didn’t need and crippled you, your teachers who mocked you, didn’t help you, put you in a refrigerator box and ignored you - all of it - twisted my insides. I couldn’t let that happen to someone else’s little brother.I teach so that other little brothers have options - that college feels more obtainable. That enlistment doesn’t become the only option. I teach so that the option is there - the option to not have to see what you saw, do what you did, suffer like you did once you came home - so that my students can reach a point to have the choices that your teachers cheated you out of having.But teaching with grief is difficult.Everyday I want to show up and do it for you, but so many of my students don’t take my help. They make me sad, angry, depressed. Everyday I’m given a new responsibility, a new initiative, a new ultimatum. Everyday my job makes me more and more unhappy, and I feel more and more guilty that I’m failing you. But I keep smiling, I keep teaching, I keep pushing my students, I keep listening, I keep on keeping on - because I know one of them is you.Its the holiday season - November and December were always special for us. I miss you more everyday. I don’t know how to be the one to manage Thanksgiving and Christmas for our parents without you. My students have high stakes testing, and so much to cover, and their lack of attentiveness has put them behind- but I’m leaving work on time. I’m not going to stress over grades. I’m not going to chase assignments down. I’m not going to let myself work on the weekend. I’m going to give 210% all day, I’m going to teach and listen and love and care, and then I’m going to come home. I’m going to call our mother. I’m going to do my best to make our father take care of himself, and overcome his own grief. I’m going to think about you. I’m going to make handmade Christmas presents, and decorations. I’m going to make pies. I’m going to go pick out a turkey. I’m going to make the menus and gather everyone together. I’m going to drink hot apple cider and watch A Charlie Brown’s Christmas and cry and cry and cry and just be.I’m going to still feel guilt - there will be teacher things that will not get done, simply because I will no longer let work be every waking moment of my life.I’m going to feel guilt, and hope that you understand - understand that this doesn’t mean I’m breaking my promise and vow to do this, to teach, all for you. I promise.But teaching with grief is difficult - I can’t teach for you until I heal for you.I’m going to go back after Christmas with a new flame - a healed flame. Until then I hope you understand.I love you. -- source link
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