theonion:U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Bas
theonion:U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien FriendARLINGTON, VA—In what many are calling a long-overdue response to a clear weak spot in the defenses of U.S. military facilities, the Pentagon issued a new series of security guidelines Friday after confirming another group of precocious children had infiltrated a base and rescued an alien friend.The Defense Department, which has acknowledged six such incidents in the past year alone, said the updated protocols would be implemented at all domestic military installations, eliminating the security flaws that currently allow any building housing an extraterrestrial to be accessed by a scrawny kid whose friends convince him to squeeze through the ventilation shaft. The new directives also reportedly prohibit checkpoint guards from waving through 12-year-olds who pull up in their mom’s station wagon, display their older brother’s driver’s license, and claim to be catering a party for the base commander. “Somehow, these top-level security breaches keep happening, so we’re putting tougher safeguards in place to stop our most sensitive assets from falling into the hands of troublemaking youths,” Pentagon spokesperson Col. Graham Stevens said of the plucky children who, relying on nothing but their wits, determination, and a few homemade gadgets, have repeatedly managed to hoodwink the most powerful military on earth to set free a beloved alien buddy. “We must make our base perimeters impenetrable to brainy kids armed with devices they have cobbled together from remote-control car parts and a See ’N Say pull-string toy.”“The fact that we’ve allowed young children to escape with highly classified alien life forms this many times is an embarrassment, frankly,” Stevens added. Keep reading -- source link