humansofnewyork:“I came in with a plan. I read all the parenting books. I bought all the right produ
humansofnewyork:“I came in with a plan. I read all the parenting books. I bought all the right products. And everything seemed to be going perfectly. The ultrasounds were normal. Audrey arrived exactly on her due date, punctual, like me. But when we went for her two-month checkup, the doctor brought a coworker into the room. They had all these charts, and they explained that Audrey had a genetic mutation. It was clear that something solemn was happening, but they never said ‘disabled.’ Or ‘special needs.’ They used the word ‘delayed,’ so I assumed she’d be able to catch up. I knew she was progressing slowly. But the full weight of it didn’t hit me until we had her evaluated for kindergarten. They used the word ‘severe.’ And that’s never a word you want to hear associated with your child. They gave us a tour of the ‘special needs’ classroom, and I didn’t handle it well. To me ‘special needs’ meant the world moved on without you. The future seemed so bleak. And I kept thinking: ‘I’m not a good enough person for this. I’m not what my daughter needs.’ We’ve come a long way since then. Audrey is eight years old now. And the work can be back breaking, because she needs so much of me. But she’s so happy and playful. She goes bowling and swimming. She has dance parties. I’d been so worried about her making friends, but she has more friends than me. So Audrey is fine. I thought I’d need to teach her so much, but she’s the one who had to teach me. I’m the one who was digging so hard, needing life to look a certain way. It was always so black-or-white. Either my life is good, or it’s not. I couldn’t accept my situation. I couldn’t accept my daughter. And I couldn’t accept myself. I’m still not where I need to be. I can still get resentful over the life I believed I was promised. But I’m 70 percent there. And when you’re coming from zero, that’s pretty good. But the goal is 100 percent. I only have one life, so my goal is to just be with her. To look at her without any of these other thoughts in the back of my head. And to accept that my dream for Audrey is not ‘The Dream’ for Audrey. The only dream for Audrey should be that she’s fulfilled. And in this moment, that’s exactly what she is.” -- source link