- How I am learning to love my biological mother by loving myself more - If your just joining the co
- How I am learning to love my biological mother by loving myself more - If your just joining the conversation, a brief recap - I have been struggling with the emotions of being my biological mothers power of attorney (P.O.A) as I was raised in foster care and she was one of the monsters that hurt a vulnerable little girl. Fast forward to today, I shall be 37 in October, God willing. It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. Holiday’s don’t mean anything to me as I’m normally alone during them. Momma has been at CAMH 4 months now and still hasn’t gotten a pass to venture outside accompanied. I haven’t seen in her 6 weeks. My normal routine is to see her once a week after my very hectic work week. It was her 65th b-day that I just couldn’t bring myself to see her face or hear her voice. Momma called me the other day. The sound of her disoriented voice sent tears to my heart. “Ritinha, momma needs slippers" she asks. “I have written a letter to the commissioner in Spain. OK, bye” momma hangs up blowing me kisses just before she does. I didn’t get a chance to get a word in. Ask how she was doing. The docs tell me her ECT / brain shock treatments are working well and she is finally eating and putting weight back on. I know her treatments are working as she has begun writing poetry again as she has not wanted to write in over 6 years! Her note pad and pens collecting dust on her table. Which reminds me, I still have her heart felt poems to input into a book and get them published. I know that would bring her so much pride and joy to see her body of work touch the lives of many. Anyway, thankfully I wasn’t with a client at the barbershop at that moment. Uncontrolably, a flood of tears ruined my pretty work make-up. This is where my responsibility to another human being hit me!Yes, she was my ugly dark vicious monster!I forgive but I can’t forget the 50 shades of shattered glass that I have inherited as brother Christian Grey also understands. The vulnerability of such deep scar tissue hurts with the smallest sliver of memories. I needed time away from those that do not support me. I needed to be strong so I can fight this battle of life I was given. I needed to love myself more. Love my business more. Love my healing more. I miss staring into her deep chestnut eyes that are full of pain, shame and guilt. I miss combing her hair that has not been coloured in her favourite ashy blonde in 5 months. I miss not taking her to manicures or even just colouring her nails her fav classic red that she always messes up because of her jittery nature. I miss the feeling of knowing that one person can make a difference. Especially, when you are one person’s only safe person, how cold can one be to just leave them out to dry! Yes, she didn’t raise me. Not everyone that is thrown at the wolves comes out leading the pack, sometimes you get bitten and mangled!! I may never know what it feels like to have a “mother” on mother’s day. Although my life coach, Lauren Randolph of The Cartwheel Coach, is the closest person I have that demonstrated what unconditional love and support is. In conclusion, for other foster kids like me that carry that empty spot in their heart where it should be filled with parental love, or other people caring for loved ones with mental illness, I truly hope this sharing INSPIRES you. To love yourself more. Love thy neighbour as you love yourself, meaning, do you love yourself with the same intensity and respect you give others? I did not for a very long time. Once you do, I hope you will be happy to be part of your loved ones life and visit with a smile rather than resenting them, hating the destination of unconditional love. Oceans of sheer love and light, Rita Junior. -- source link