This was taken on the way back from shopping on xmas eve. It was my last pants poop of 2016 and I ha

This was taken on the way back from shopping on xmas eve. It was my last pants poop of 2016 and I haven’t had any incidents since. It’s just too cold and although it’s possible to go to a library or a shopping centre again, somewhere indoors, I’m trying to abstain for a little while as excess has an impounding psychological effect on me. At least until winter loosens its rigour mortis. I can’t wait for the Bluebells again. I hadn’t been to the toilet for five days, which is nearly a record for me. But I was constipated throughout and had to take a lot of softeners and laxatives on the previous few days to get things moving. I judged the way it felt on christmas eve morning as I didn’t want to do it if it was painful and hard to release. I felt so full, and after surfing a wave things felt like they were mobile enough to entertain it. If any of you have read the blog much you’ll probably know that I’ve always wanted to have an experience using public transport, but haven’t been brave enough before. I live quite close to a train station for most of the week so I was able to walk there. Feeling really nervous and spending time choosing what to wear, dithering in slight indecision about whether to do this or not, I eventually persuaded myself to leave with a large glass of wine at about 3pm. NOT an alcoholic!! But this was necessary as I was so nervous, and I had to get a few last minute presents from M&S. I wore pink briefs under rolled up tights under white briefs and the pink treggings that are quite thick with less stretch than leggings.   It’s a strange feeling, setting off for a shopping trip, in a state of desperation. It feels so utterly wrong and counter intuitive. But the thrill over powers it; an atypical excitement that’s kept me interested in such objectionable adventures for far too long. The walk to the station wasn’t really noteworthy. The walking seemed to keep the convulsions at bay, but when I stopped to wait for the train, surrounded by quite a few people, things started to get scarier. I felt stomach cramps build into sharp pains and I had to cross my legs as a wave started to hit. It was a huge struggle but I didn’t let it take hold; I didn’t want to appear desperate yet. I at least wanted to get my shopping done first as queuing in a mess, even if I had something around my waist, is a traumatic experience. Sitting down on the train helped to quieten my stomach and I managed to get to M&S within about 20 minutes, feeling a little woozy from the wine. Frustratingly, one of the presents I needed to get was out of stock but I lucked in with a reduced item they pointed me towards that was similar. While queuing, like when you know you’re near a toilet, my body started to unconsciously relax and the urgency returned in force. The store was surprisingly quiet for xmas eve and I didn’t have to wait for too long. I stood behind an older woman and behind me there was a woman with a pram and a child of three or four who kept running around in an adorably annoying way. Then the pressure really built and I had to cross my legs slightly and try to stand as casually as possible. I was worried about any gassiness as it gets uncontrollable when resisting the urge to go. I uncrossed my legs and reached the front of the queue, now starting to panic a little as a heavy wave was coming and there was no stopping it without crossing my legs totally. The older woman seemed to take far too long with just one item and there was only one person on this checkout. Hobbling to the counter I went to pay but typically, they had to check about the reduction I was promised as it didn’t show up on the system. My body then told me what was happening with a sudden release of gassiness and I instinctively crossed my legs as this huge weight pushed without any help from me. I was now rather embarrassed as the air around me got a whole lot smellier and I just hoped the baby in the pram could have been a decoy! That’s terrible isn’t it! When she finally approved my item for the price it was displayed at I uncrossed my legs and immediately started losing control. I used contactless to pay and I remember feeling it starting to fill my underwear and it felt quite firm. And then as she finished bagging my items I gave an involuntary push and heard a sudden floop noise as the mess got mushier and rushed out. That was by far the most embarrassing moment of the trip as I felt the warmth spread out suddenly in an alarmingly messy way, now trying to brake and stop myself from having a full pants filling there at the counter. But it was nearly impossible and now totally panicking, totally absorbed into accident mindset, I nervously and quietly asked where the toilets were as the smell worsened. She told me the customer toilets were out in the shopping centre and I just grimaced while thanking her. More poop was coming out slowly and I had to walk awkwardly away to find space and privacy to fight this back. The whole point of this mission was to lose control on a train! I looked back briefly as I left and the woman with the pram wasn’t staring at me luckily although its unlikely she hadn’t seen what was happening. The child doing laps of the queue barriers didn’t seem to notice, thankfully; I expect he’d have drawn further attention to my situation.I couldn’t make it out of the store and in a secluded area I fully crossed my legs to regain control. Feeling back it already felt slightly wet so the woman behind must have known, which is now a thrill to think back at but all I remember at the time was genuine embarrassment. I didn’t know how obvious the stain was but I didn’t have time to find a mirror or anything. I just headed straight for the next train back and power walked. Waiting at the station again was a surreal experience, wearing pooped pants and still needing to release the majority of the movement. Obviously with my back to a wall I felt back again and noticed it was wetter on one side than the other. I hadn’t wee’d yet but did need to go a bit. There weren’t that many people where I was standing and my train was due so I pre-empted its arrival by uncrossing my legs and letting things take their course, hopefully to get my timing right. The train journey itself was only two stops so I wouldn’t have much time. I was just riddled with nerves about how busy it would be. As the train pulled in I carefully cast an acute eye over the carriages as they passed. I was standing close to the back and it was really busy! But…. everyone gets off at this station and my heart regained a healthier pace as I saw 90% of the back carriage empty. I went in and sat right at the back. It was an older train so I opened the windows. There were some people at the other end of the carriage but maybe only about 5 or 6. It was perfect, in terms of trauma reduction for me, although I’d imagine this would be a better read if I’d sat on a crowded train! Sorry :p I placed a carrier bag on the seat and then a stashed pants poop cardigan on top of it to sit on. Sitting down was messy and awkward as I was now ready to let a wave take hold but sitting interrupts things in an uncomfortable way. The thrill levels were becoming unhealthy and I thought to myself, this is easy and why hadn’t I tried it before. But in hindsight that’s down to luck. I’d have hated it if the train was busy. As we set off I slowly lifted myself from the seat slightly and felt the pressure really build. I then let my weight down and repeated this a few times until the urgency was passing the point of resistance, trying not to overly squishify things. I could smell myself already and hoped the open windows would keep the other passengers from any unpleasantness. And then a few minutes into the journey I totally lost it as I lifted myself off the seat slightly again. It was a strange movement but an incredibly forceful desperate one when it got going. With an involuntary full force push a large lump of harder slow moving stuff gave way to really noisy mush. It was incredibly relieving but it felt substantial and overwhelming, taking a long time. I felt it go all the way to the top of my underwear at the back and also up the front. And I weed a little bit. Plastic bag and cardi to the rescue as I lowered myself gently back down, breathing heavily with one hand pressing my treggings at the base of my spine to stop any back over flows. The smell was quite revolting and as the train pulled into the next stop it suddenly hit me that someone else might get on and my heart skipped a beat. I just sat there stinking, banking on chance. Very thankfully, the opposite happened, some people got off! Enough for me to consider a picture. For which I apologise. It’s terrible. For some reason my phone camera quality automatically adjusted itself to low res in response to low card space. I also didn’t want to lug around a hefty dslr this time. I took the picture on timer just prior to my stop, and only had one chance without looking too weird, closing a window as an excuse. But I don’t think anyone was looking anyway. I left the rest of the windows open and left the train slowly as some others got off ahead of me. I’d planned for this, sitting at the back just in case!The walk home was smelly and messy. I wee’d a little bit more, and generally felt like a state. Most of the poop remained contained luckily and sitting had flattened the bulge somewhat. It was quite cold but the thrill of the adventure kept me warm. I must have been noticed by drivers but I think I made it back under the radar to pedestrians, making a few stealth road crossings when necessary. The whole time thinking about smaller details of the trip to try and memorise them. The sudden noisy blurp at the checkout counter and the way it felt going on a train (that had no toilets) felt like a genuine accident. I could have maybe held on until getting off the train but only because I’d have been sitting down. I’m not sure though as it was horrendously urgent the whole time. I think I was seen by a few staff members in M&S on my way out also, two female store attendants chatting in the lingerie section, possibly indicated by the way their conversation changed when I walked by. But in analysis it was a thrill, one that in the cold light of day I still feel ashamed of for pursuing. I’d waited a while to post this as I’ve been distancing myself from disgrace recently for various reasons. But it really isn’t some recalcitrant echo of being a teenager, it’s far deeper now and completely focussed on the emotional experience. It’s always this time of the month that I get the urge for a mission, so with or without my approval, it’s still there inside. It’s always there.Thanks for reading x -- source link

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