katannauk:The paradox of my addiction to ignominious behaviour continues but at a much slower pace t
katannauk:The paradox of my addiction to ignominious behaviour continues but at a much slower pace this year. I’ve had a few requests for tumblr posts as some people can’t do instagram. I’m much preferring it over there these days as it’s essentially a private group and I’ll probably move there permanently as I gradually bring this craziness under control. As I get older I’m seeing more and more holes in my morality. Especially recently. I can just about forgive myself for accidents in toilets and queues for toilets as that’s the way a lot of real accidents happen, so long as I’m not in there for too long. But walking around clothes shops, if even very briefly, in search of mirrors just so I can post some evidence has most certainly stopped. Not fair on all the poor noses and generally reprehensible in every light. This was one of about three flomps so far this year, a definite improvement on previous years and was inspired by bluebells and a closing down sale for a much beloved department store chain (shopped before having an accident) that has just closed. It was inspired also by a hangover. I realize now that I need to quit drinking if I ever want to fully get this out of my system or at least under control. The general carelessness and hedonism that hangovers cause me are most probably the principal reason why I always let the urge for self destruction win. The urge has a connection with sexuality now but I had this urge by around the age of 7 which was way before puberty, periods and sexual exploration. It pre-dates it all so I’m not really sure what it is or where it came from. But I increasingly feel like a demon is possessing me sometimes and I want the controls back.So I obviously chose one of the most awkward outfits possible. The buckles are annoying to undo and most certainly a hurdle if you need the toilet. I say the hangover caused the decision but I was certainly thinking about it for a few days before as I diet planned and held it making for an awkward evening before. The hangover made the decision effortless though. Shopping was tough work as I took a few dulcolax early that morning as I worried after such a long hold that it would be solid and painful. The laxatives were however extremely effective and caused a growing, nagging cramping sensation and even as I stopped to cross my legs and try to regain composure, I had a horrendously loud and messy shart on my way to the main toilets that turned into a full on accident. It was most certainly not solid and the sensation of it spreading out around my bottom was notably larger than usual. I regained control and realised it already felt wet and the olfactory blast wave was nuclear. I don’t think anyone saw but shortly afterwards I was seen in the toilets waiting to get into the private baby change toilet where I stood having further cramps and smaller but frequent bubbly accidents until the stomach cramps settled. This is why I don’t usually have laxative messes as they are genuinely uncontrollable, especially after a long hold and too much fibre. A few lovely women offered to help but I told them that I was ok with as much composure as I could manage but I was pretty stressed and shocked by the constant cramps and further accidents. A few less empathic teenagers walked past laughing, holding their noses.The contrast with a quiet bluebell walk on my way home helped to calm me down but driving pretty much finished off the dungashorts (or so I thought, they’ve washed remarkably well…)It’s been a very sad and stressful few years and perhaps that’s the reason for not being able to excuse it as a silly hobby that doesn’t hurt anyone anymore. I’m finding it harder to respect myself. The amount of shame I’ve incurred willfully would suffice hundreds of people’s lifetime quota and if my defences against these trauma’s are weakening then it’s a one way ticket to doom. I’ll try to stay active here but shorter instagram posts are easier and don’t drag me too deeply back into the destructive mindset so I’d imagine that’s where I’ll be mostly. Thanks for reading and happy pooping xx -- source link