jocuppy: stephh-qws: TELL ME YOUT STORY PROJECT”Late 2014, I’m dropped off on a windy, cold, Novembe
jocuppy: stephh-qws: TELL ME YOUT STORY PROJECT”Late 2014, I’m dropped off on a windy, cold, November morning in a town roughly an hour away from my home. It’s especially cold because my blood vessels are tightened and I’ve lost close to 20 pounds due to my drug addiction. I’m fucking freezing but all I can think about is the arrival of my ex, Sierra, who wanted to meet with me to see if we could work things out one last time.So, she arrives and I hug her and despite the fact it was a warm, welcoming hug, we both know it’s not the same. This was not an “I love you” hug, it was an “I haven’t seen you in over a year and a half” hug. Discomforting but I refused to analyze it further. We head down a gravel trail by the lake we used to swim in. When we would swim there, it’d be off a sandy, “private” beach with a fallen tree splitting it. We didn’t go there that day. I should have understood this was not us coming back together. No, this was a stone’s throw from our departure. We sat, cold, talking which we only talked about my meth addiction, her pill habit, her new fuck-buddy-soon-to-be-boyfriend, and the fact neither of us had a lighter but we had a full pack of cigarettes. We only bickered and debated on things. It became apparent to her that though she wanted me, we were different people. The only thing we shared was an addiction at this point and a general hatred for living. I tried to yell,“listen to me” but it came out as a desperate, high pitched cry as if I was in pain. I was. I bottled it up. She didn’t let her hurt spill over. She remained guiltless and free. You see, we were never good together but once. We could have been but I was destructive and blameless. I have no shame, I’ll admit I cheated and was emotionally abusive when we would fight in the beginning. We didn’t talk for a while. I was 17 and I finally decided to clean up and treat her right. We met up and got back together on March 24th of 2012. We were amazing. We didn’t fight. I was faithful. I was falling for her. We connected on a level so deep that it can’t be written to this day. Then, suddenly. My dad died one morning out of nowhere and I never had a mom so my little brother and I became orphans. She said,“your eyes literally froze over…” and I became distant. She did her best to console me and urged me to keep playing guitar. I kept trying but I was lost in myself. It came to a point where I became unfaithful via text message for a day and forgot about it weeks later. I gave her my password because I was convinced I was faithful. My grieving blocked out all wrong I did in that time. Low and behold, we started fighting every day for weeks. We were losing sleep, not eating, cutting ourselves… Anyway… we tried numerous times to make it work and I was to lost in my ways to do so. Our last time together was our departure. I brought her home, she asked for a hug and a kiss goodbye. She said the next day that she didn’t want me in that way but we could be friends. Guess what. Fucked that up too. I drank half a fifth of Jack Daniels and cussed her out. She’s only spoken to me once since then. Just to give me closure and tell me she doesn’t love me. She didn’t say “I don’t love you anymore” she only said “I don’t love you” and I deserved that. I’ve attempted suicide by bleeding out twice since our departure, leaving me with scars and nerve damage. Her last words months ago ended that. Even after all I’ve done, she still gave me closure in a way that would end my pain the easiest. She’s my wife in death. Death of who I was and who she was parted us. I don’t love her. The person I was does. The person I am now just sees the memories. I’m happily single. She’s happily taken. This is my story about toxic romance. Boys only become men when we realize women don’t owe us shit. We should be held accountable for our actions. I’m thankful I had a woman who did. My pain tore her away from me, her pain kept her away, and her happiness changed me. That’s all I got to say” I love thissss -- source link