Drugs Win Drug War | The Onion (January 1998)After nearly 30 years of combat, the US has lost the dr
Drugs Win Drug War | The Onion (January 1998)After nearly 30 years of combat, the US has lost the drug war.Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey delivered the US’s unconditional surrender in a brief statement Friday. “Drugs, after a long, hard battle, you have defeated us,” he said. “Despite all our efforts, the United States has proven no match for the awesome power of the illegal high.”“In retrospect,” McCaffrey added, “this was not a winnable war.”McCaffrey then handed over power to High Times magazine editor Steven Hager, who will head the new US Office of Drug Policy, replacing the now-defunct DEA.“We must all get behind drugs now,” outgoing DEA Chief Thomas Constantine said. “I recommend we all get really, really baked.”With the defeat, drugs will begin a full-scale occupation of the vanquished US. Massive quantities of crack, heroin, PCP, LSD, marijuana and other drugs will flood the nation legally, saving America’s estimated 75 million drug users billions of dollars on their yearly drug budgets.Street gangs, working in conjunction with Colombian coke lords, will assume leadership of America’s inner cities, and federally backed marijuana farms are expected to begin appearing throughout the rural Midwest and Northern California by the end of the year.Drug kingpin Amado Fuentes said it was “inevitable” that the US would surrender. “We knew we would eventually win this war,” Fuentes told reporters from his impenetrable Mexico City palace. “America’s relentless campaign of anti-drug slogans, TV public-service announcements and elite elementary-school D.A.R.E. forces were a formidable enemy in this war. But in the end, my well-armed and well-financed army was victorious.” -- source link
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