karenlyra69: This picture of me is around 10 years old. I don’t have pictures of my younger self as
karenlyra69: This picture of me is around 10 years old. I don’t have pictures of my younger self as a girl although I remember to have taken many before that time. I lost them all in a damaged computer around 15 years ago that is more or less the time I started dressing frequently trying to understand my feelings and discover what my inner self had to say about my gender identity. Apart from the gender therapist to whom I presented myself completely dressed as a woman and people I passed by on the street those times I went out dressed, I have not been dressed as a woman in front of anybody else. However, there was one time I was wearing a dress in front of my mom and sister when I think I was like eight years old that I want to share with you. It was not that they caught me dressed, it was something I was asked to do. My mom used to make dresses for my sister and some of her girl friends. One of those girls was Patty, her birthday was approaching and my mom was asked by Patty’s mother to make a dress for her daughter’s birthday party. The dress was intended to be a surprise for Patty so my mom was not going to be able to ask Patty to try the dress on her but was able to take her measurements one day. I was at home playing near where my mom was working on the dress and she came to me with the white silky dress on her arm and asked me: “May I ask you a favor? This is Patty’s birthday party dress that I am about to finish. I asked your sister to try it so I can check it but you know Patty is thinner and a bit shorter than your sister, like you. Will you try this dress for me only for a couple of minutes so I check it fast to be sure everything is fine?” My mom’s voice was very tender and how she asked me was not like pretending that I must do it because she was asking me to. “If you don’t want to, I understand, don’t worry”, she added. I was confused. I really wanted. By then I had already crossdressed many times in my sister’s clothes and had those feelings that I enjoyed dressing as a girl mixed with those thoughts that what I was doing was wrong. “I promised I will not tell anybody if you do it”, she said trying to convince me as I had stayed in silence. I guess her last statement eased my confusion a bit and also was a sort of confirmation on my young mind that it was something I should keep hidden from others. I didn’t say a word and accepted nodding my head. I undressed and my mom put the party dress on me carefully until it was ready. It was the first time I felt a zipper being closed on my back. My mom asked me to stand in front of a mirror and started to check the dress going down on her knees, asking me to turn around, taking notes, adding a pin here and there while I was in silence looking at myself in the mirror wearing that wonderful party dress. My mom finished very fast and stood by my side asking me to raise my hands to see how the dress lifts and confirm its length just a bit above my knees was right. “This is good. I will need to work on a couple of things but it looks beautiful”, she said right at the moment my sister appeared. My sister looked at me and opened her eyes wide completely amazed. She was about to say something and my mother interrupted her: “He is helping me as Patty is almost his size, so don’t laugh at him and you will not say anything about this to anybody. Ok?”. My mom’s warning to my sister didn’t stop me from feeling embarrassed as my sister did laugh a bit and then left. What my mom said was a reaffirmation to me that something was not “right” on what I was doing even if I was helping her. She helped me to take the dress off and noticed I was not feeling good. She gave me a kiss and a hug saying how grateful she was because I helped her and that I should not worry about my sister telling anybody as she was going to be sure she was going to keep it between us. I was not feeling bad just because of my sister’s attitude. I was actually feeling more embarrassed because I really liked so much wearing that beautiful dress but from my mom’s words it seemed what I was doing was wrong and I didn’t want her to know I really liked wearing the dress. Why something that was making me feel so right, that made me feel so happy had to be taken as something wrong that should be hidden from others? I couldn’t understand. A couple of days later we went together to Patty’s birthday party. She was looking so pretty wearing the white silky party dress. She was having fun twirling, dancing and showing everyone how much she liked her dress, how happy she was. I heard everyone saying how beautiful she was that day and making nice comments about how she looked in that dress. I stared at her and thought about the time I helped my mom wearing that dress and how pretty and happy I felt too but sad about why I couldn’t enjoy the way she was. “Isn’t she pretty in that dress?”, my mom asked me when she saw me looking at Patty. “Thank you for helping me with it”, she said and kissed me. I think that was a chance to talk to my mother about what I was feeling but I never found a way to overcome my fears and open to her. I wished my mom asked me to try another dress later but that didn’t happen again. Have a wonderful day! -- source link