[06] mutabilityMutability is defined as the “liability or tendency to change”, and mutability as lia

[06] mutabilityMutability is defined as the “liability or tendency to change”, and mutability as liability is something that I’ve been struggling with a lot lately. At its best I would describe it as a delight in spontaneity and surprises, a supreme flexibility and ability to bend and shift as needed in most situations. At its worst it feels like an arrogant disdain for plans, flakiness, an inability to follow through on anything if I feel even the slightest whisper of “I don’t want to”. I’ve spent good portions of my life being incredibly lonely and uncertain of my place in communities and, desperate to avoid the acrid pain of loneliness and unbelonging, I developed an effortless mutability that allowed me to (somewhat) comfortably be whatever seemed to fit best into a given social group. It is most easy for us to love things that are familiar and similar to us, and I think I have developed a habit of trying to be as similar to those I want to love me as possible so that loving me is effortless. Deeply rooted in my heart is the fear that I am not interesting or valuable enough to be loved if it’s too much work, so the only way to ever feel loved will be to make it as easy for others as it can be. As I begin to slowly know myself more, I notice places where I am bending and it is newly uncomfortable because certain parts of me are no longer pliable. I feel deceitful. I feel the sharp fear that if I can no longer bend this part of myself, I will not be lovable to these people and so I will not be loved. I see how this new thing about me could make me difficult to love and I start to hate the things about me that I recently rejoiced in discovering. These feel like the growing pains of understanding and being called to something new, so I’m trying to be patient. I think we all have to learn to balance the liabilities and blessings of our qualities, and my mutability is no different.  -- source link

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