[03] tendernessTenderness was the first feature of my emotional/experiential landscape that surprise

[03] tendernessTenderness was the first feature of my emotional/experiential landscape that surprised me when someone pointed it out. I always had this image in my head of me as a cold, unflappable person. It was something I admired in other people and aspired to be myself, because cold people seemed to have power and didn’t seem to get hurt as easily. To be soft made you a target. I thought I was succeeding in being “scary and beautiful”, my ideal status of powerful woman that had a thick skin and didn’t get her feelings hurt because she was untouched by frivolous feeling, until I mentioned that ideal to a friend and she laughed and told me I could never be scary because I “love people too much to be scary”. To think and accept that I am not scary, that I have even remained soft in spite of my best efforts, has been an uncomfortable mental exercise. It has often left me feeling exposed and defenseless, vulnerable to the shitty things that exist in this world, the wounded things that lash out at softness in pain. But it has also grown a sense of peace and comfort in finally allowing myself to be the way I have deeply longed to be for most of my life. Deeper even than the desire to be untouchable, is the desire to be loved and handled gently and to do the same in return.I cry a lot more often than I think I ever have in my life, and my current dream job is to professionally hug athletes who lose big games so they know they’re still important and good. Tenderness has been a blessing to pull out of the void. -- source link

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