I am feeling like hell. I found out on Friday that I didn’t get a job that I was really gunning for

I am feeling like hell. I found out on Friday that I didn’t get a job that I was really gunning for and I have been at work since midnight last night. I really wanna drown out my frustration with a bottle of whiskey but I’m not supposed to be drinking on my new medication regimen. I’m sad without my dog. Im working myself to the bone. I miss being an academic. I miss my best friend. Everything feels like I have no control right now and I’m so affection starved. I started feeling like I didn’t need sleep so I went for a run after work even though I’ve been up for about 24 hours already and since I’m trying to train for getting back into rock climbing I went to the park and used the playground as a gym. Pull up bars. Swings. Planks. Full body circuit and jogged around the neighborhood until my body was over it (which didn’t take much since I’m still crazy out of shape). I’ve been listening to the new Kanye album despite how much he is supposed to be cancelled right now. I feel his disposability even if it’s deserved. I feel the messiness of his brain. I feel the ugliness he tried so hard to hide that bubbles to the surface when even when trying to hold it underwater. I feel the hate for himself. I feel the fear for what he’s doing to the people who are still trying so hard to love him through the ugliness of a messy brain. I know he’s supposed to be canceled but I can’t help but to feel like this album still speaks to me in a way I wish it didn’t. I have never put so much effort into trying to get better before and I’m exhausted. I’ve put in so much work and lost so much in trying to pull myself out of the sticky tar of self loathing that I never learned how to escape just cover up. I hid it through my activism, my academics, my overworking, through pills and booze and lines of cocaine and acid trips. I became a master at making myself look like I was fine but honestly I can’t remember the last time I was honestly fine for real. I don’t know what I want but I know I can’t keep this up anymore. #healing #bipolar #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #recovery #nonlinear #mentalhealth #depression #drugaddiction #drugabuse #alcoholabuse #drowning #running #runthroughthepain -- source link

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