The Hobbit and Thorin’s Thirteen - A Hobbity Fairytale Headcanon1.  This story usually start

The Hobbit and Thorin’s Thirteen - A Hobbity Fairytale Headcanon 1.  This story usually starts with “In a hole in the ground, lived a hobbit."  It’s a perfectly nice beginning and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.   2.  But if one actually wants to figure out how this whole mess started, it’s when a certain Took Ancestor went and fell in love and took a Fairy for a wife.  Iain Took had certainly not expected to be part of a literal fairy tale but there was nothing he wouldn’t do for his beloved Snowlock and when poor Snowlock fell under an evil curse, there was nothing for it but to break that curse with the Kiss of True Love.  3.  Amongst the Took clan, this accounts for the reason why 99% of the Tooks are Odd and anyone with even a smidgen of Took blood is still guaranteed to be a bit on the Daffy and Fey Side.  4.  This also includes their unusual affinity for animals.  Though with the recent generations, it usually was just one particular animal.  Great-Uncle Iain (not the one with the Fairy Wife - this was a namesake) had a great affinity for hedgehogs while it was known that the Old Took, Gerontius, was followed everywhere by otters.  Belladona Took, Bilbo’s dear mother, was rather fond of cats.  When her little Bilbo was yet a faunt, he was often watched over by her favorite marmalade kitty, who kept the little Baggins child out of trouble and accompanied him on his first little adventures.  5.  So when Bilbo Baggins, who somehow managed to stay true to his own Took blood despite his very Baggins sensibilities, ran off with Thorin Oakenshield and his disreputable (at least in the eyes of the Shire) band of Dwarves, Bilbo was first scolded for his Tookish impetuousness by a pair of squirrels.  "You can’t stop me,” Bilbo sternly told the chattering pair, who had suddenly leapt down from a nearby tree as he passed by on his pony.  This startled poor Dori, made Bofur stare, before he absolutely died of sheer hilarity at the sight of the hobbit arguing with a pair of fuzzy forest creatures and caught the attention of Fili and Kili who were also quite fascinated with the hobbit’s apparent acquaintance with said squirrels. 6.  The squirrels appealed to Gandalf so Bilbo would stop this madness.  But the Wizard only took a puff on his pipe and told the little creatures that it was quite important that Bilbo accompany the Dwarves to Erebor and that, indeed was that. 7.  The squirrels took it upon themselves to keep an eye on Bilbo and claimed a place in his coat pocket for the rest of the journey.  8. Aside from the squirrels, Bilbo would soon acquire other “pets."  Martin the Hedgehog, after respectfully taking his leave of Radagast, would soon claim his place in Bilbo’s other coat pocket.  9.  Thorin wasn’t sure what to make of these additional members to the company but allowed it, considering Fili and Kili soon became fast friends with Bilbo’s squirrels and hedgehog and said animals were quite loyal to Bilbo and the company. 10.  Thus, the first time Dwalin commented about hedgehog and squirrel stew, he was soundly pelted by nuts and quills from the offended parties.  The Dwarf would eventually make amends for his tactlessness when he took the time to search for nuts and fruit for the squirrels and hedgehog.  11.  According to Martin, who happened to be a hedgehog of very impeccable taste, Dwalin had a good eye for food and thus soon began to spend his time in the Dwarf’s pockets, when he wasn’t with Bilbo.  It was just a pity that Dwalin hadn’t a clue on how to speak hedgehog but Bilbo was shanghaied into doing so, if only because it is a Firm Rule of Thumb that nobodycan resist a hedgehog when they wanted something done.  12.  The Elves of Rivendell were rather startled to meet a hobbit of Bilbo’s specific bloodlines but he was made very much welcome and utterly fussed over, much to Thorin Oakenshield’s absolute disgust.  Naturally, this had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he was oddly drawn to ensure that the hobbit was safe and protected, despite the fact that he had sternly advised Gandalf that he was not responsible for Bilbo’s fate. 13.  Yes, everybody knows that this is how it starts.  Thorin snarks in majestic fashion, Bilbo snarks back.  Everyone, including the squirrels and hedgehog, start to feel a certain unresolved tension in the air.  14.  As a consequence, bets were placed and Nori kept track of who bet on what.  And yes, even the squirrels and hedgehogs took part in the wagering.  15.  It took Fili and Kili all off five minutes to decide that Bilbo would make a great new uncle.  This may have everything to do with the fact that during their stay at Rivendell, Bilbo managed to charm the Elvish cooks into letting him loose in their kitchen and he made the boys their favorite dessert.  16.  Of course, Ori could’ve told the boys that Bilbo would have made a wonderful second uncle ages ago, especially when he and Bilbo bonded over knitting.  It was Ori who made Martin the hedgehog a most wonderful cream cable-knit sweater.  It was most becoming.  17.  At this point, it would be quite obvious that Bilbo, whose fairy inheritance was rather quite strong, would possess power over many forest creatures.  He’d always had an affinity for the wilder animals though he did not realize, until this particular adventure, that even fiercer and more dangerous creatures would come at his call. 18.  To his credit, Thorin thought he was protecting Bilbo from the Warg, especially since the hobbit had already proven himself to be a valuable member of the company, including that not-so-minor business of saving Thorin’s life.  Bilbo soon sorted out that misunderstanding and the Warg was utterly delighted to follow a pack leader who was a lot more free with warm affectionate scritches than beatings.  19.  The Warg soon ended up joining Nori’s betting pool after he wondered aloud to the squirrels, which were Pack and thus, Not Prey, why is it that Pack Leader had not yet mated with the Dwarven King, considering that they acted very much like mates already.  The squirrels told him that the Two-Legged Ones were Very Strange Creatures and explained to him the concept of the Betting pool.  20.  Poor Smaug the Dragon would never know what hit him when confronted with the Hobbit of Fairy Blood.  It is a little-known fact that Dragons, before they were taken and corrupted by the Great Enemy, were once the protectors of Fairies.  And when Bilbo finally came to the Lonely Mountain, Smaug the Magnificent found something that had finally filled the missing part of his fiery draconic heart for long ages - far more than the need to hoard treasure.  21.  Thus, the Orcs and other Evil Forces of Certain Necromancers were given a nasty shock when the Dragon of the Lonely Mountain chose to fight on the side of the Dwarves, Elves and Men, all for the sake of one Hobbit.  22. Unfortunately, there was that nasty business of Thorin succumbing to the gold-madness that plagued his grandfather and father and the fact that Bilbo had to use the Arkenstone to prevent Thorin from declaring war on what should be his allies.  Hard words were exchanged and hearts were utterly broken. 23.  Despite his utter disgust at what happened, Smaug declared that he would fight on the side of the Hobbit.  The Warg was in full agreement and the squirrels and the hedgehog were quite willing to take up arms on Bilbo’s behalf, if only it involved knocking Good Stout Hobbit-Sense into Certain Stiff-Necked Dwarven Kings’ Heads. 24.  It was not a curse that sent Bilbo Baggins into a near-fatal sleep.  It was the fact that Bilbo, using his magic ring, had been grievously wounded saving the lives of the two Dwarf princes who had become quite dear to him and a Certain King Under the Lonely Mountain, who still retained ownership of Bilbo’s broken heart.  25.  The wisest thing Thorin would ever hear in those dark days when Bilbo hovered between life and death would come from a Certain Dragon. "It would be simple, if you could only kiss him awake, like in those children’s tales,” Smaug had said.  “You cannot, O King, but I would think that it would be your voice that must call him home.  He will hear you and he will know if you speak the truth and if you truly love him as you claim, he will return for you.” “And if he does not?” Thorin challenged him. The Dragon sniffed and smoke issued from his nostrils.  “Then I pity you, King Under The Mountain, if you still doubt your own heart."  26.  It was Thorin’s song that had awakened the call to adventure for Bilbo Baggins.  Thorin would craft a new song, that spoke of his sorrow and his regret and his love for a Certain Stubborn and Impossibly Brave Hobbit Burglar.  It was only fitting that Thorin’s song would call Bilbo back from the brink.  27.  Of course, there was much kissing involved.  Fili and Kili would claim to be thoroughly traumatized by the sight but no one actually believes them, considering that Thorin’s nephews were absolutely ecstatic at gaining one Fussy Hobbit Burglar as a family member. 28.  The winner of the Bagginshield Betting Pool was the Warg.  29.  And as all good stories should, Bilbo Baggins would live happily at the side of his Dwarven King till the end of his days.  30.  No, it wasn’t Bilbo’s fault that Gimli Gloin’s son would run away with an Elf of Mirkwood.  Note:  I can’t find the prompt from the LiveJournal Hobbit Kink meme anymore but I am sure I saw a prompt having Bilbo as Snow White, some nods to the legend of a Took ancestor taking a Fairy Wife and animals taking to Bilbo liek whoa.  I wanted to do my own riff on this idea, with a Bagginshield twist.  Picture Source: Thorinoakenshield.net -- source link

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