There’s this sense that I’ve had since I was young that I am a bystander to the whole world there’s
There’s this sense that I’ve had since I was young that I am a bystander to the whole world there’s “them” and then there’s “me” and I have never been worthy significant or special enough Enough to be in the game. It didn’t matter that I was successful growing up (as per what the status quo of “success” looks like for children — a twisted concept) I never saw a place for myself in the world. And maybe that’s a sign that I wasn’t successful as a child. A method of survival head down stay out of the way don’t strive too much or care about anything in any particular way (risking ridicule) Avoiding disappointing myself? No… Avoiding humiliation, failure in the eyes of my parents. Scrutinizing eyes. I remember in school the idea of “goals” stressed me out (at the time I had no idea why). Why would I want to set a goal? I was already ticking off all the appropriate boxes for adult approval. Why would I set myself up to fail, when I could succeed without trying too hard? Set the bar low, where I know I can reach it. I wasn’t interested in challenges for personal growth. If you don’t set goals Don’t have a plan you can do what you’re doing make it look okay fit those social norms… and, mostly, people leave you alone. I’ve set and achieved some goals in the past few years. It was hard for me to believe that I was worth it. I had to give myself permission to fail, just in case that happened. I had to be open to the path unfolding. In my career, I haven’t ever Ever set any goals. I didn’t even have a goal to finish school. I wanted to drop out in 3rd year, and probably should have. I gave up that idea in response to my mother’s pleading — who didn’t help at all (in any way, even emotionally) with my education. She lived vicariously through mine and my sister’s accomplishments and really wanted to have “a daughter who graduated from University.” I am saddled with debt now. I don’t regret finishing, that’s just what happens when you keep on going to school until it’s over, 4 years later. Yeah, I’ve got that paper. It’s helped a bit. I’ve developed my own strange kind of career path. But none of this was my goal or dream. Continues (at Saskatoon, Saskatchewan) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1SxjlUg7rg/?igshid=a0rjq101hc92 -- source link