amysubmits: It’s been a long week. Not particularly bad but just a lot of annoying little things, I
amysubmits: It’s been a long week. Not particularly bad but just a lot of annoying little things, I guess. Something I need for my job that is expensive broke. So now we have to replace it on short notice. @cynicaldom has been feeling a little under the weather. I’ve had one problem after another, after another, with my job. When life feels stressful I tend to become a control freak in an attempt to find calm. It’s as if my brain subconsciously believes that controlling when I do the dishes, what time we go to bed or when the trash goes out would remove the stress that’s being caused by other things that we can’t control. It’s not logical, and it makes being submissive harder. It makes my submission require more effort, to fight my instinct to take the steering wheel. I don’t want the wheel, and I don’t want to micromanage. I just want calm, and sometimes that isn’t what life gives us. He’s earned my submission and I’ve agreed to let him lead, so I try to fight the urge to micromanage when things get tough. When I start to overstep, he stops me when he feels the need and I’m thankful for that. Still, I would prefer to just stay in my lane on my own without him reminding me where the line is. I worry that my instinct to start controlling stupid little things will feel like an insult to him, to his decisions. I don’t want him to think I’ve stopped trusting him to handle those aspects of our lives because that’s not the case. Sometimes I don’t even recognize that I’m trying to micromanage until he tells me no. Other times I see it and can stop it on my own, but it just absorbs a lot of emotional energy to do so. A couple nights ago I found myself looking at this picture late at night when I was feeling down. We took it about a week ago and he told me I could post it. At the time I felt too self-conscious about it. It felt a little silly or fake to go through the steps to get the photo even though we cuddle just like this all the time. I found myself looking at it because it’s nice to see this aspect of our relationship that I usually can’t see with my own eyes. At least not from this perspective. It’s nice to see what we look like when he holds me, when I’m in my safe place. To see it instead of just feeling it. He makes me feel so safe and protected. So wanted and cherished. I’m so thankful for his love, dominance, and leadership even when I temporarily think I want to control all the details. I don’t really want control, I trust him and I want him to lead me. I’m thankful that he sees through my behavior and gives me what I need instead of what (I think) I want. When I think I want control what I really want is calm. Nothing creates more calm in my life than submitting to him. -- source link