I was so afraid of being labeled ‘gay’ as a kid. I didn’t want to be different. I
I was so afraid of being labeled ‘gay’ as a kid. I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to be described as 'my gay friend Jed,’ but rather 'my friend Jed.’ . Being labeled is claustrophobic. It seems to lock you into a grab bag of connotations. And so I hid. I tried to change my voice. Talk less with my hands. Be funnier. Sharp and dangerously witty. . My first goal was to belong. And because I looked like all my friends, all I had to do was change my behavior. . For some gay guys, this is impossible, or too insulting to their sense of self. So they double down on self-expression. They huddle into like minded communities. They parade and celebrate. Because fitting-in was too hard, or too false. . I think about this a lot when I consider the lives of people of color in a white majority. . Where I could disappear behind behavior in a straight majority… they cannot. The skin cannot hide. . Have you ever been dragged to a party where you didn’t know anyone. You sit on the couch and feel the thickness in the air of 'Do I belong? Do they wish I didn’t come?’ It’s not that people are out-right mean. Maybe even the host comes to say hi. But you might also get a look from someone across the room that says 'who is that guy?’ You feel the eyes. . It’s not the devil white oppressor, that is rare and a dangerous fiction that shifts blame… but rather, the cool girl with the big house throwing a party. She would never say 'no black people, no gays.’ That would feel mean and set off the alarms of conscience. It’s 'do I know you? Do we hang out, have things in common?’ . I wonder what a lifetime of feeling 'other’ would do? I wonder if I would be angry if I hadn’t fit in so well as a kid? If instead of feeling belonging, I felt alien? . I still don’t quite understand how to be in this world. I want to be seen as a friend, but not have my gayness erased. I don’t know the proper ratio. I want to see and celebrate the blackness of my friends, but also forget that they are different at all. . I have thick skin, and I think we should all have thick skin.. but a tender touch now and then can bring me to tears. #mlk -- source link