avannak:ch4rmsing:avannak:jellybeanjeans:♥ Meatball ♥6/6/2010 - 5/10/2019This morning, at 3:35 am, M
avannak:ch4rmsing:avannak:jellybeanjeans:♥ Meatball ♥6/6/2010 - 5/10/2019This morning, at 3:35 am, Meatball passed peacefully in her sleep.I wish I could say she was comfortable, and I hope she was at least comforted by being in my arms, but in these past two weeks she declined quickly. Her appetite diminished, she stopped grooming herself, and then her back leg began to trail behind her as though numb which was the most alarming development. Blood tests and x-rays and $$ later and they still only had theories. She was given medicine and had an appointment with a neurologist (for tomorrow) that she would never make it to.I had barely drifted off to sleep last night when I was awoken by her struggling to breathe. It was heartbreaking. I brought her to an emergency hospital in the longest 15 minute drive of my life where I begged her to keep breathing in a mantra, and where I stayed the entire night as they ran tests and kept her in an oxygen tank. Her lungs were filling with fluid and nodules were visible in new x-rays. Another test concluded that she had both heart disease and cancer.Suddenly she had a very short clock, and one filled with suffering.I was supposed to have her for another ten years. We were supposed to move at least two more times before she left me; give her two more yards to explore. I was supposed to get her a new cat tree, because the one she grew up with has loosened and unravelled and wobbles every time she climbed it. Every holiday for the past two years I considered doing that.I just started my garden last weekend and now I don’t want it. I don’t want to do it. Meatball loved being in the garden with me. She was always so excited to play in the dirt with me. I can’t do it without her. I bought sunflower seeds this year because I thought she would have such a kick rubbing against them look adorable as well.I wish I had gone to bed earlier last night–even an hour earlier–so that I might have felt her usual weight on my legs a bit longer. I wish I had held her longer before they put her down.I wanted to keep petting her long after the anesthesia took hold of her. I wanted to pet her until her fur turned cold so that I could soak up every tactile memory of what she felt like under my hands. I still can’t quite comprehend that I’ll never hold her again. That she won’t bust open my bedroom door or that I won’t spy her pawing at the kitchen window or feel her settle against me as I try to do yoga. Its barely been a day. She’s still alive to me and I can’t speak her name out loud without losing my composure.I was truly blessed to have this girl in my life, even if we deserved another decade together, even if a part of me will forever hold onto that rage of injustice, I know I am so, so lucky that she was my cat. My girl. My happy, spoiled, goofy, fluffy beauty queen who loved it when I gardened and scratched her jowls and hammocked herself between my ankles every night.I’m putting this on here because she had her own tag (#Meatball) on my blog and I had a handful of friends and followers who genuinely enjoyed seeing her pop up. When her ashes are ready I’ll do a proper toast for her, but for now… Goodbye, Beauty Queen. I love you.I am heartbroken. It’s been a rough couple of weeks and it’ll be rough in the future as well as I struggle to adjust to this. All projects are on hold.Pour one wine out for Meatball. Rest in Peace Fluffy Diva. I grieve with you from afar, fellow cat-mom. I would have loved to meet her, but thank you for sharing her through art, vids, and pics. <3BTW this was always my fave pic of her, so much personality in such a tiny thing:GREAT ADDITION!This was girl I chose nine years ago. A derpy spoiled brat that I kept spoiled to the best of my ability.And thank you. Thank you everybody who liked/commented/sent me messages, and those who just saw this post and thought about her. I’ve finally gotten a bit of sleep in me and feel a little more emotionally stable. I still tear up at the slightest provocation but I can speak out loud about her without losing it now. So thank you wall for your thoughts and words. I can’t respond to everything, but I appreciate it greatly.I’ve had pets die before, I’ve pet them as they were put to sleep and I’ve cried over them, but Meatball wasn’t just a pet. She was mine. She traveled with me, ate with me, slept with me. She was my partner, my companion, my child. It’ll be my first mother’s day in 9 years where I don’t jokingly get myself a gift from “her”. It’s been a week of rain and ever since she passed it’s been perfect weather; she would have been outside all day today and yesterday. She would have loved it. All these little injustices keep getting to me.In a few days, when I pick up her ashes, I’ll have a proper toast. Hopefully some online friends will be around/awake to join me. -- source link
#tw death