shitroughdrafts:April 8, 2015Dear Mr. Kerin,It was brought to my attention byyour neighbor, John Fli
shitroughdrafts:April 8, 2015Dear Mr. Kerin,It was brought to my attention byyour neighbor, John Flink, that you have two garden gnomes on your front lawnthat that were not approved by the HOA before installation. Please adhere to the guidelines(see Appropriate Lawn Decor on page 3) and remove them within fivebusiness days, or you will be fined.Ellis Hills is a beautifulneighborhood, and we keep it that way by sticking to these rules!Thanks!Linda Hoyt, HOAPresident April 9, 2015 Dear Mr. Kerin,Mr. Flink emailed me this afternoonand informed me that there are now five gnomes on your front lawn. He also saidthat they are all facing his house. I don’t know three extra gnomesshowed up (unless they’re breeding LOL), or why they are now facing his house.But please be advised that you are now in violation of our AllowedQuantities of Lawn Decor rule (see page 7).You have four days until you arefined. Please address this issue ASAP.Thanks!Linda Hoyt, HOA President April 10, 2015Dear Mr. Kerin,I drove by your house this morningon the way to drop my children off at school and saw your lawn. There are nowover a dozen garden gnomes in your yard, all facing Mr. Flink’s house. A few ofthese have been placed in sexually suggestive positions. I do not think gardengnomes come in these positions, which means that someone (I’m not saying you)placed them as such. Regardless, they violate the board’s rule on AppropriateLawn Décor Positions on page 9.Mr. Kerin, you have three daysleft to comply with the board’s rules, or you will be fined.Are you getting these emails?Thanks!Linda Hoyt, HOAPresident April 11, 2015Dear Mr. Kerin,I was emailed a picture of yourlawn this morning by your neighbor John Flink, and was surprised to find thatthere are now close to thirty gnomes in your lawn. Not only are they allstaring directly at his house, they are now also sexually explicit. After aquick Yahoo search, I could not find any store that sold such “X rated” gnomes.This gives me the impression that you made them yourself.Mr. Kerin, I don’t know whereyou’re getting the time or the money to create these monstrosities, but theywill not be tolerated. We have children in this neighborhood.Please be advised that you have twodays left before incurring fines.FYI you are now also in violationof our Sexually Explicit Lawn Décor rule on page 17. Until today, I was not aware thisrule even existed.Thanks!Linda Hoyt, HOAPresidentApril 12, 2015Dear Mr. Kerin,I was woken up by a phone call fromJohn Flink at 6AM this morning. He was threatening to call the police. We havenever had the police called in this neighborhood. Not even once. I calmed himdown and went over to see what the problem was.Mr. Kerin, the only time I’ve everseen an orgy was in the movie Caligula butthe scene your gnomes depict on your front lawn makes Caligula look PG. The gnomes are in positions I haven’t ever evenimagined, and even if I could have imagined them, I wouldn’t have done so withgnomes! There are over one hundred of them.I could barely see any grass through the limbs and appendages of the disgustinglittle men.One gnome in particular is wearinga shirt that says “John Flink” on it and it is wearing a horse mask. Two othergnomes are treating him like a horse.This is in direct violation of anHOA rule that the HOA just decided to make. Please see Sexually ExplicitDepictions of Neighbors as Lawn Decor in the new edition of the HOAguidelines attached as a PDF.You have until tomorrow, Mr. Kerin. Also, John Flink has called alawyer.Thanks!Linda Hoyt, HOAPresidentApril 13, 2015Dear Mr. Kerin,I don’t know how you did it, but thankyou for removing all of the gnomes. I’m glad we could avoid getting theauthorities involved!Since you managed to do it beforefive business days, there will be no fine, just a warning.As a reminder, please do not placeany decorations in your yard without direct approval from the board.Thanks!Linda Hoyt, HOAPresident April 14, 2015Dear Mr. Kerin,It was just brought to my attentionthat there is a bright pink decorative flamingo in the middle of your frontlawn.I have also been informed that thislawn flamingo is wearing a thong.If you do not remove this flamingowithin five business days, expect a follow up from Kelly Lawson, as she istaking over as HOA President. As of today I have resigned.Thanks!Linda Hoyt -- source link