(8/8) “I finally confronted the son of a bitch when I turned eighteen. One morning I looked in the m
(8/8) “I finally confronted the son of a bitch when I turned eighteen. One morning I looked in the mirror and said: ‘I’m not a kid anymore. I’m going to do it.’ He was dying of AIDS by then. But I didn’t care, I got aggressive with him. I got in his face and asked: ‘Why me? Why did you pick me, man?’ And you know what that sick asshole told me? He said: ‘Because I loved you.’ That creepy fuck. I was only nine years old when I met him. But even then I knew it wasn’t right. I knew I shouldn’t be alone with our sixty year old neighbor, who smelled like alcohol. Even today the smell of Colt 45 brings me back. Brings me back to that room. I’ve played it over and over again in my head. ‘Just get out of there Ryan. Go home and tell your old man. He’ll put an end to it.’ But the shame was so heavy. It was just so heavy. I wasn’t held down. It wasn’t violent. That’s why it messed me up so bad. It left me feeling so ashamed. Really, really dirty. And it just kept happening. I didn’t know how to stop it. Day after day. Over and over. Until finally when I was thirteen we moved away from the neighborhood. I was finally free. But you know what that son of a bitch did? That sick fuck. He rented an apartment right next to my mom, and trapped me all over again. I couldn’t escape. He was giving me liquor. And by the time I was fourteen he was giving me cocaine. And I just dove right into the drugs. Because they were my only escape. Sometimes I hate myself so much. I’ll look at Red, and I’ll think about all the trauma I caused him. But I was a good kid too once. Not an academic or anything, but a good kid. I liked school. I enjoyed making people proud of me. I think I was happy. I remember having feelings like that, before the abuse. But afterwards nobody was proud of me anymore. There wasn’t anything left to be proud of. So I just burned down the rest of it. Burned it down with heroin and crack until I was finally forced to face it. Because if I didn’t, I’d lose my son. And that’s what I want you to know, little man. All this stuff that happened to your dad. It almost killed me. But you came along and saved me. Because I always loved you more than I hated myself.” -- source link