kedreeva:the-moon-loves-the-sea:Oh fuck me he has tears in his eyes already.okay no if we’re g

kedreeva:the-moon-loves-the-sea:Oh fuck me he has tears in his eyes already.okay no if we’re gonna do this we’re gonna do it PROPER.Because look at me. Listen.First of all, I want everyone to remember that Aziraphale says these things before Crowley ever mentions running off.But to really understand that, we have to go back in time. We have to go back to 1861 at St James and watch when Aziraphale says to Crowley, in a kind of snobby way, “We may have both started off as angels, but you are Fallen.” At this point in their story, Aziraphale doesn’t know that Crowley loves him, or if he does, he doesn’t believe it is real, and he certainly doesn’t understand his own feelings for it. As a matter of fact, he makes this accusation just a minute before Crowley turns his world upside down by asking for holy water, and Aziraphale is very, very suddenly and without warning thrown into a world where he has to consider his world without Crowley in it.And he melts down. He’s always been worried, at the back of his mind, that one or both of their sides would find out about their arrangement. He’s always, to some degree, had the idea that if Crowley were caught he would be punished, maybe discorporated, maybe even destroyed, but… you know, Crowley’s just been around for so long, and he’s so vibrantly full of life, he’s so cocksure and flippant and he very obviously has this will to live and be alive that Aziraphale never really believes in the possibility that Crowley will stop being there. What Aziraphale believes, is that Crowley’s desire to remain alive will ensure that he does.But the holy water request is the first time Aziraphale has come face to face with the idea that Crowley… might give up. I don’t mean to say that he thinks Crowley wants to die, I don’t think that’s… really the point. The point is that Aziraphale sees that there may come a time when, rather than fight to stay alive and come back to Aziraphale, Crowley would be willing to surrender and be destroyed. That idea will be very important soon.Skip forward, and we see and end to their fight in the Blitz, when Crowley saves Azriaphale from the Nazis. Aziraphale has had time to consider what transpired in 1861. When Crowley arrives to save him and requests to be saved in return, it sounds like business as usual, except… Crowley does something selfless, in saving the books. He does something kind. Now, I’m sure, absolutely CERTAIN, that Crowley has done kind things before, but it’s Aziraphale that’s changed now. It’s Aziraphale who looks at his action and (aside from realizing oh. I love him. oh that’s why it’s like this) has the first thought that… maybe he’s been wrong to assume Crowley can’t be anything other than what he is. For perhaps the first time, the thought that “maybe he could be redeemed” forms. Aziraphale may not understand it as such but the seed has been planted.Fast forward again, and all the stuff with the apocalypse is happening. Crowley comes to him and asks him to help stop it. Crowley spends the majority of the series begging Aziraphale, in various ways, to work toward saving all of humanity and the Earth. Crowley is the one advocating, at every turn, for them to please do something to stop this. Not hell. not heaven. not god. Crowley. And this comes on the heels of everything else Aziraphale is feeling about how much he will lose, and what right and wrong really mean, and he’s been lying to Crowley and lying to Heaven and he’s stolen a book and the world’s already turned upside down as far as he’s concerned.And Crowley turns up to the bandstand, and asks what Aziraphale knows and Aziraphale can’t tell him because he needs to have a plan first, and Crowley tells him he hasn’t got anything, and Aziraphale tries to tell him it’s someone’s plan at least, and Crowley loses it. He starts cussing out the plan and - by proxy - god. He’s showing the same open disregard for his well being as he did in 1861. He’s got nothing either, and without something, there’s no hope. There’s only surrender to the inevitable.But it’s been nearly 60 years since Aziraphale realized he can’t lose Crowley. Not since he realized he loved him, but since he realized he cannot lose him. And the apocalypse is heading in at full tilt, and when it arrives, it’s going to take Crowley away from him, and Aziraphale has seen Crowley do good. He’s seen him be kind. He’s seen him act in very undemonlike ways. And he has that one, crystal-clear moment of hope.May you be forgiven.Not just for cussing out god’s plan, not just for spitting in the face of divinity in that moment, but forgiven at all.And Crowley hears that in the words. When Aziraphale says “may you be forgiven,” Crowley hears “for everything” because his response doesn’t fit right if he thinks Aziraphale just means for this.“I won’t be forgiven, not ever. Part of a demon’s job description: Unforgivable. That’s what I am.”AND THAT ENTIRE BIT IS SO IMPORTANT.“I won’t be forgiven, not ever” doesn’t refer to just this moment, it reaches all the way back to the Fall. Importantly, he doesn’t say “I’m unforgivable” at any point, he follows a logic track:“Part of a demon’s job description” isn’t “part of what I am intrinsically.”“That’s what I am” isn’t “I’m unforgivable” it’s “I’m a demon”And it’s a demon’s job to be unforgivable.“I won’t be forgiven because it’s my job not to be forgiven”And Aziraphale’s response to that?? “You were an angel once.” A clear reminder that being a demon was not always Crowley’s job. A bid to ask Crowley to consider quitting his job and coming back, just like I said in the first place. Aziraphale has seen Crowley be good and kind. Some part of him believes that Crowley could be forgiven and come back, if he would just put his mind to it. This is a direct mirror of the 1861 conversation, and it shows the HUGE amount of growth that Aziraphale has gone through, to change from “you were an angel once but you’re a demon now and that’s immutable” to “You’re acting badly right now but you were an angel once, don’t you think there’s a chance you could be forgiven still?”(he never considers that Crowley might not want to come back, that Crowley believes what was done to him was unfair and that he doesn’t need forgiveness because he didn’t do anything that needs it, but that’s another meta entirely)Before Crowley ever utters “go off together,” Aziraphale is already ready to ask him to come back to the light, to come home, to please not go away, to please not leave him here alone. Because he can’t lose Crowley. They may bicker and snipe at each other for a moment, trying to argue about the plan, and Crowley is still fighting to save everything even if his methods are untenable, but he is fighting still, and Aziraphale is still holding onto hope-Right up until Crowley lays everything at his feet and asks him to choose.“Even if this all ends up in a puddle of burning goo, we can go off together.”He tells Aziraphale basically ‘you don’t have to lose me, but you can’t have both, and I won’t come back to your side.’That’s the ultimatum that breaks them. Crowley will leave his side - and in a way he left his side millennia ago - but he won’t join Aziraphale’s side. That’s the choice Aziraphale is asking him to make. Aziraphale will fight to get Crowley back into Heaven, but he isn’t mentally or emotionally in a place where he can leave his side. That’s the choice Crowley’s asking him to make.They both are asking the other to come away with them in their own way, and they can’t meet in the middle yet. They will, but not yet. It’s important to me, however, that they both - both - make the request here, that they both come to the conclusion “I don’t want to go on unless we’re together” on their own and then going about it in truly different and equally terrible ways. And both of them having a bit of a fit when it doesn’t work. -- source link
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