actuallyasexual:Dear Asexual Community, We need to have a talk. Lately, we have been operating in
actuallyasexual: Dear Asexual Community, We need to have a talk. Lately, we have been operating in a counterproductive manner that has not helped people inside or outside of our community. How many of you have started a conversation regarding your identity with “I’m asexual, but…!!!” as a means to challenge misconceptions about your asexuality? I know that I have. Many of us are guilty of this, but why? Why do we do it? Why is this our knee jerk reaction – to defend ourselves? I get it to a degree. We want to protect ourselves from judgment. However, the reality is that it’s never going to be happen. We are not going to be entirely judgment free. The problem is that we seem to do more harm to each other when we try to justify our existence or appeal to the norms placed on us, for one person’s “but” may be another person’s “and.” Whenever we say “I’m asexual, but I’m not ________!” … there is someone who is. I read statements like this frequently: I’m asexual, but I’ve never been abused. I’m asexual, but my hormones are normal. I’m asexual, but I’ve dated before. I’m asexual, but I’m not a prude. I’m asexual, but I’m not celibate. I’m asexual, but I’m not religious. I’m asexual, but I’m not aromantic / I can still fall in love. I’m asexual, but I’m not mentally ill or disabled. And so on, and so on, which only seems to throw somebody in the community under the bus. All we are ever doing is creating divisions in an effort to appeal to people who have misconceptions about us. What we need to do is embrace the “and.” We need to inform people about the diversity of our community not by telling them who we are not, but telling them who we are. I want to propose to people in the community to stop the “but…” and focus on “and…” I want to know who we really are as a community, where our experiences overlap and differ. I don’t want people to be afraid to say: I’m asexual, and I’m a survivor. I’m asexual, and I have a hormone imbalance. I’m asexual, and I’ve never dated before. I’m asexual, and I prefer modesty. I’m asexual, and I’ve never had sex. I’m asexual, and I’m religious. I’m asexual, and I’m aromantic. I’m asexual, and I have a mental illness. I’m asexual, and I’m disabled. – These statements don’t even begin to cover the range of experiences within the community! …and every single one of you belongs here. It can be a great way to acknowledge privileges you have as well. This is something we need to be open and honest about. Things like: I’m asexual, and I’m white. I’m asexual, and I identify with the gender I was assigned at birth. I’m asexual, and I am neurotypical. I’m asexual, and I’m financially stable. And so on, again. Knowing this, acknowledging this, helps us understand our place in discussions within or outside of our community. Stop saying “but…” to justify your identity. It took me a long time to figure this out, but we are not defined by what we lack. We are defined by “who” and “where” and “what” and “how” and “why.” Who we are. Where we come from. What we know and experience. How we experience things. Why we are who we are. That being said, we have nothing to make up for. We aren’t deficient people. Our community does not need to appeal to norms to be valid. We have a lot of work to do in terms of reforming the community. There has been a lot of ugliness lately, directed at us - sure, but even between members in the community. We micromanage and gate-keep asexuality, to the point where whole narratives are erased from our community. We spend less time seeking understanding, and more time fighting. The worst of it though is when we suggest that people in our community are bad for fitting stereotypes. I don’t want to talk about myself in a way where I need to hide parts of myself to appease other people. I’m asexual, and: I am aromantic. I am chronically ill, and I have poor mental health. I have been mentally and physically abused before. I did come from a religious background where ideas of celibacy were drilled into our brains. I’m well educated. I’m cisgender. I know who I am, rather than who I am not, and that helps me reflect on my place in the world So, with that being said, who are you? -- source link