how is this terrible? let me count the ways: 1. “hawklike intensity” in a c
how is this terrible? let me count the ways: 1. “hawklike intensity” in a context that doesn’t immediately let you know that the author knows it’s a cliché2. “sharp features” right after “hawklike intensity” seems like an overload of sharpness tbh3. “murmured” is such a weird speech tag for “I’ve got other plans,” which is a shame, because “We going to die today/I’ve got other plans” wouldn’t be a bad opening for a book if the surrounding prose weren’t so bad4. Jetsam "is part of a ship, its equipment, or its cargo that is purposely cast overboard or jettisoned to lighten the load in time of distress and is washed ashore"; if you want to use one half of “flotsam and jetsam,” which I’d argue that you shouldn’t anyway it should be flotsam, in this context: “floating wreckage of a ship or its cargo” and since they’re not in the water (as far as i can tell, we’re getting to that) it shouldn’t be either5. Is the lake grassy? is this some fantasy thing he’s trying to introduce subtly, like, it’s a lake of grass or something?? 6. I’m too lazy to turn the page and i shouldn’t have to for this sentence to make sense: if the place is “littered with jetsam” it implies that the battle is over, so either he should be clearer or it should be “had unleashed havoc." 7. "raggedy” is the wrong register; what’s wrong with “ragged”? 7.5. This is petty but I have a problem with raggedy dots. 8. “pearlescent” is silly; “pearly” would have conveyed the same information and wouldn’t have been as overwrought.9. “Above, the sky…” should probably be “the sky above” or else “above” should be omitted: where else would the sky be? -- source link
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