norcumi:elenothar:norcumi:norcumi:hamelin-born:elenothar:norcumi:elenothar:hamelin-born:dyingsighs:t

norcumi:elenothar:norcumi:norcumi:hamelin-born:elenothar:norcumi:elenothar:hamelin-born:dyingsighs:that-b1tch-hazel:rosbridge:Do you ever wish these two had just decided to schism together at the end of “The Wrong Jedi” and run off to found their own order with attachment and meaningful hand touching?Yes! “Snips and Skyguy’s Badass Brigade” It’s perfectPlease kidnap Obi-Wan before you leave.If they Schism, I firmly hold that Obi-Wan is going to end up Grandmaster of their new order because force knows the other two don’t have the patience for it. They’ll just have to content themselves with converting Obi-Wan to their side via hug ambushes and snuggles. Obi-Wan woke up slung over Anakin’s shoulder. Again. Vague images of Anakin looking apologetic flashed past his eyes and - “What in the blazes do you think you’re doing?!”“We’re kidnapping you,” Ahsoka said cheerfully from somewhere above his dangling right shoulder. “We’re going to build a new Temple and we need someone with sense.”“Hey, I’ve got sense,” Anakin protested indignantly, though very tellingly he neither refuted the kidnapping, nor the new Temple bit.The former Obi-Wan could cope with, that happened every second week anyway, but the latter? Clearly the universe had gone mad.Or alternatively, he’d finally gone and snapped after one too many blows to the head. Or was it Anakin who’d gone bonkers? He was so confused. His head hurt.“Anakin,” he said, very slowly and deliberately (and noted with some satisfaction the slight hitch in Anakin’s step as he recognized the tone of voice), “did you hit me with Qui-Gon’s old frying pan?”At least Anakin had the grace to emit a few sheepish vibes. “We needed something you wouldn’t register as a threat.”“Couldn’t you just have asked?”“Oh, and that would’ve been such a fun conversation,” Anakin said, uncommonly sarcastic. “Hey, Master, we think the Jedi Order has lost its way, wanna come build a new one? Oh, and please don’t tell the Council, which, incidentally, you are a member of?”Obi-Wan thought for a moment. “Better than hitting me over the head with a frying pan.”“Hey, it worked!”“Oh poodoo. I thought you said the Twilight would be here?” Ahsoka sounded more than a little worried as Anakin skidded to a halt.“I sent Artoo to get it. He shouldn’t have had any sort of a problem!”Obi-Wan finally pushed himself upright enough that he was braced against Anakin’s back rather than draped over it like a rather lumpy cloak. His eyes weren’t focusing quite right, but they looked to be in one of the older, more obscure hangers in the temple. There were rows and rows of mothballed ‘fighters and shuttles, save for a mid-sized transport tucked near the exit. “Ex…cuse me, Generals? Commander.“ Obi-Wan bit back a groan, squeezing his eyes shut as Anakin whipped around to face what had looked to be a small squad of clones, in the few seconds before the room had spun. "Commander Wolffe,” Anakin growled back, and Obi-Wan could only hope that his former padawan wasn’t going to be an idiot just because Wolffe and half the clones on Coruscant had been ordered to track down Ahsoka. It wasn’t like they’d had any say in the matter. “General Koon wanted us to inform you that the engines are hot and according to your ‘mech, we’re just waiting on one more passenger.”There was a terrible pause, and Obi-Wan forced his eyes open to look at the Wolf Pack, assembled without helmets and hands conspicuously away from their blasters. Then fuckall if Anakin didn’t whip around again. “ARTOO!! Get out here RIGHT now!”He groaned and clamped a hand over his eyes, since it was either that clamp over his mouth, and Obi-Wan disliked admitting the head injury was affecting him that much. He could hear Artoo’s wheels churring as the droid came over, then a defiant string of beeps he wasn’t in the mood to try to translate. “What?!” Ahsoka yelped, even as Anakin growled. “What do you mean, ‘you expanded mission parameters?’ How much did C-3PO coach you on that?”There was an offended whistle that cut right through Obi-Wan’s brain. “Please not so loud. Or at least let me WALK on my own.”Some clone cleared his throat, and Obi-Wan could tell that Anakin was caught between outrage at Artoo and resignation regarding…whatever it was that was going wrong. Then his padawan let him go, someone in trooper armor catching him and slinging an arm across their shoulders. “Easy there Sir, I’ve got you.”“Cody, can you either just shoot me, or Anakin, and call it a day?”“Sorry Sir, I don’t understand those orders.”He bit back the snide, possibly foul response he wanted to make to his commander’s pretend ignorance. “WHY would you tell another Council member that—!”Artoo warbled through Anakin’s shout, and from the transport a very exasperated Kel Dor presence emerged. “Skywalker, we do not have all day,” Plo called. “Our presence will be missed, possibly sooner rather than later, and I would rather be off planet and constructing this new order of yours BEFORE we have to deal with Mace having a bad day.”“He told you?!”“You have a very persuasive droid.”“Oh he’s something alright,” Anakin muttered.“Plo, I suspect you could be drier, but you cannot possibly mean what I think you mean.” Obi-Wan forced his eyes open, and his fellow council member crossed his arms and GRINNED that damned annoying way he had. “Oh Force, you’re all serious.”"Would someone like to tell me why we’re not ready to take off NOW?” The group turned to see Rex and a squad of the 501st escorting a furious looking Padme Amidala into the hanger. She glared at Anakin. “Senatorial exceptions to air traffic control are only going to last so long, and we need to get moving!”It was only a small relief that Anakin looked as flabbergasted as Obi-Wan felt. “Padme? What are—?”“Rex told me everything, Artoo has some good ideas, now let’s GO.”In the wake of senatorial directives, the clones seemed quite happy to get a move on, leaving the bemused Jedi to trail along in their wake. “You didn’t plan this,” Obi-Wan accused Anakin, who grinned and shrugged with that mad look of one who knows improvising really is the best battle plan.“No one can plan for Padme. Are you really objecting?””No, Sir, he’s not.” Obi-Wan glared at Cody, then sighed and let himself be carried along.Someone had to be the voice of reason in….whatever this was.Half an hour later, Obi-Wan’s Anakin-whacked-me-over-the-head headache had finally subsided (with some help of judiciously applied Force healing) and was now threatening to be replaced by a more common Force-help-me-I’m-surrounded-by-idiots headache. They were just about to clear Coruscant airspace and Padme and Anakin were still arguing. “ - you let Artoo contact a Council member, Padme! Of course I’m upset, you could’ve sunk this whole enterprise before it even started! Besides Artoo doesn’t need any more bad influences in his life, he’s already starting to swear like Obi-Wan.”Oh, now that was just unfair. If anyone was a bad influence on that droid it was Anakin. Padme seemed to feel the same.“Bad influence?” she said loudly, eyes sparkling dangerously. “Who was it who taught him that if things weren’t going well he should just blow everything up?”“… Obi-Wan?”Obi-Wan opened his mouth to protest, but was saved from what was surely going to be a long and drawn-out argument about who had blown up more enemy bases in the last couple of years by the holotransceiver beeping on the twilight’s console.Ahsoka squinted at the transceiver’s readout. “That’s the Jedi Council’s code, Master.”“Oh great, just what we needed,” Anakin grumbled, ignoring Obi-Wan as he dropped his forehead into his palm.He pressed a button and a translucent image of a very pissed Mace Windu appeared in front of them.“Skywalker! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”Anakin clearly wasn’t in the mood for explanations, or beating around the bush. “What you’ve been too afraid and too mired in politics to do, Master Windu. We’re going back to the roots of what it means to be a Jedi.”To just about everyone’s surprise, Mace’s scowl lessened a fraction. “Do you think now is really the time to do this, Skywalker?”Anakin shrugged. “Now is the only time to do it.”He glanced at Obi-Wan, something mischievous lurking in his eyes that immediately made Obi-Wan suspicious. “Also, in future you should direct any complaints to our new Grandmaster, Obi-Wan Kenobi.”What?“Anakin,” Obi-Wan started, pinching the bridge of his nose, “you can’t be serious.”“Why not, Master? As Ahsoka said, we need someone sensible to lead us, and Plo didn’t want the job.”Obi-Wan glared at him. “I don’t want the job either!”Anakin’s look turned slightly pleading as he silently sent ‘can we please talk about this some other time, Master?’Obi-Wan scowled, but subsided.“Kenobi?” Mace’s eyes were in serious danger of bugging out of his head. “What are you doing on this crazy enterprise?”"Oh, don’t look at me,” Obi-Wan responded dryly. “Someone neglected to ask whether I wanted to be involved.” Next to him Anakin shifted, finally looking at least somewhat guilty."However, it seems that I’m committed.”A soft sigh of relief was all that Anakin permitted himself, but Obi-Wan heard it nonetheless and turned slightly to give his partner a gentle smile.You didn’t think I would leave you to do this alone, did you? Anakin’s own smile looked a shade rueful, acknowledging the unspoken admonishment.I LOVE IT. Muhahahaha! The frying pan! (please tell me they brought The Pan with them? It should be enshrined as a relic of the new Order, only to be brought out in times of dire need!) And being declared Grandmaster!  You know, everyone would think that Obi-Wan’s the *sane* one, but when the bit’s between his teeth, he’d out-crazy them all. And this is the chance for him to implement all those changes to the regulations he’s always chaffed under - the Galaxy (and especially the Separatists/Sith) should beware the New Order’s Grandmaster Kenobi. Can you just *imagine* his reaction when Dooku, hearing of the Schism, comes calling, trying to recruit them? I can see him just thinking the situation’s so ridiculous he might as well go with it and yelling for someone to bring him the traditional Weapon of the New Order - the frying pan. And then the galaxy would have live footage of him using it to beat Dooku to a pulp. (Thanks be to dogmatix for the sanity checks, hamelin-born for the prompt since I was out of ideas, and elenothar for running with the madness.)Afew weeks later, Naboo“…GrandmasterKenobi?”Obi-Wanwasted a precious second to close his eyes and wince before trying togive the nervous  young human at the door a smile.Well.Perhaps an approximation of a smile, but there was so damned muchpaperwork and logistics to deal with. “Yes?”Thegirl shuffled a little uneasily, so whatever it was, it was probablysomething significant. The local Naboo didn’t shrink from much ofanything, even if they were overly polite.“Um.Master Plo was hoping you could come talk to him in his office?”Hemade a face. “Is Master Plo going to tell me something that willmake me lose my temper? Again?”Shegiggled a little. “Well, he did say that once I saw you off, I wasto take my time finding Anakin.”‘Anakin.’Not Master Skywalker, or Knight Skywalker, or Skywalker anything.The informality was nice, even if it did still surprise him a little.He could see how Plo’sgravitas had earned the titlefrom some of the locals,but he still could not get his head around being called‘Grandmaster.’ “Isee. Then you’d best ambleoff and pry him away from Padmé.”Shegiggled again, waving to him as she scampered off. Well.Best see what new crisis has happened.————-Plowas standing near his desk,grinning downa packing crate.“DoI want to know?”Plochuckled and raised a holo. “Thesearrived earlier. From Yoda.”“It’sbeen almost a month; we knew this would happen. What does it say?”“Nothing.”Obi-Wanblinked and stared at the Kel Dor. “You’re going to have toexplain that.” Who knew that having Anakin as a padawan and Qui-GonJinn as a master would be prefect preparation for theseendless requirements ofpatience without resorting to drink or esoteric arts and crafts?Plotossed him the holo. “It contains a recording of approximatelyfives minutes of Yodalaughing. I think he might be trying to say something as well, but hedoes not manage anything coherent.”Oh,another one of thoseheadaches. “Ah.” He tossed the holo back onto the table andnodded towards the crate. “That’s a rather large box for just aholo.”Hewas persistently impressed at the range of emotion Plo could conveyunder the mask. He never used to think that the man could smirk. “I’mnot going to like this very much, am I.” When all Plo did was stepback from the crate, Obi-Wan sighed. “I’m taking that as a yes.If it bites or drips anything on me, I’m firing you.”“Thatwill only be the third time this week. I shall find some way toendure.”Hepaused long enough to shoot the Kel Dor a nasty glare, thenopened the crate.“…youhave got to bekidding.” He hadn’t known a Kel Dor could snigger, either. “Thiscame from Yoda?” Thedamned Kel Dor ducked out thedoor rather than answering.“You’re fired!” Obi-Wan hollered,hefting the frying pan out of the box. “Cody’ll see you to thedoor, you bastard!” He glared back down at Qui-Gon’s oldcookware. Yoda’s sense of humor was never to be trusted.Hechecked the crate to make sure there wasn’t some sort of messageelsewhere, only to find some varnished wood further down. Hecarefully dug out a plaquemeant to hang on a wall, brackets for the frying pan alreadyattached.  A bit of etched metal declared “For the New Order!”underneath.Anakincame careening into the room. “Obi-Wan, we – What the hell?”Hesnickered and hefted the pan. “I think this means Yoda quietlyapproves. Or at least doesn’t disapprove, and he wantsto tease.”Anakinblinked a few times, then shook his head. “Okay, great. Fantastic.We have bigger problems. Dooku just arrived waving a white flag andhe wants to talk to you.He heard about the schism and I think he’s actually stupid enoughto believe we’d want to fight againstthe Republic now.”Obi-Wangaped. “Are you quite serious?”“Youthink I’d joke about this? Tholme’s distracting him, T’ra andAhsoka are getting the clonesready, and Vos is getting the padawans prepped for any droidattacks. I’m not sure where Plo is, but Wolffe is looking.”Henodded. Tholme could talk anyone in circles for hours, so they had abit of time before Dooku’s ego overpowered that. Tholme’s wife –and hadn’t that beena shock, those two showing up, congratulating them on the schism,then demanding shared quarters since they were quite fed up hidingtheir marriage – was a capable commander. Vos might still be themoodiest bastard Obi-Wan had ever met, but brooding about things ledto useful brooding protectively over things, and the padawans weremainly war orphans, padawans whose masters had died in battle thusleaving them in an unfortunate limbo. Like so many things, that was amatter perpetually left “for after the war.”Themore realistic padawans had found their way to Naboo as well. Obi-Wanconsidered his options for a moment, then gave his padawan a wolfishgrin and hefted the frying pan. “Padmé said we have a meetinghall. I suppose we should go mount this there. Perhaps introduceDooku to the new way we do things around here.”….I snuck in and snagged the next bit. With help from dogmatix​ and elenothar​ — thank you both!———Dookuwasn’t sure if he should be impressed at Master Tholme’sobsession with architecture, or horrified that he’d once thoughtthe simpering twit was a competent master. Well, perhaps this newOrder they’d formed had helped rot the man’s mind.Couldwell be the influence of the locals. The Naboo had never impressedhim very much. Twittering on about harmony and –Theside door banged open, and at long last Obi-Wan Kenobi strode intothe room. It was no surprise that he was playing at power games;ignoring Dooku to stroll over to the far – empty – wall thatTholme had spent a good five minutes rhapsodizing over the stonework.“Hmm.Here, I think,” he declared, gesturing with – “Whatthe blazes?” Dooku couldn’t quite help himself, blurting out thequestion as he confirmed that yes, Kenobi was holding a fryingpan. Kenobispun, a vaguely manic glint in his eyes. “Ah, Count Dooku!” Hesmiled with all the sincerity of an experienced politician andadvanced upon him. Tholme took the opportunity to retreat to a cornerlike a well-trained flunky, whereas Skywalker strolled in, insolentas usual as he carried a wooden…thing.“Thatwall, Anakin,” Kenobi declared, once again brandishing the pantowards the wall. “See what you can do with that.”“Yes,Master,” the boy declared with such fake humility it could choke agundark. For all that, he seemed intent enough on wandering over tomount the damn thing, whatever it was.“Ihear you’ve come to pay us a visit.”“Indeed.”Dooku swung his eyes back toKenobi. “I heard you finally decided a Schism was necessary.”“Well,these things happen. Falling out with old friends, you know.”Kenobi stopped before him, feet planted firmly in a challengingstance. Had the man worn a lightsaber, Dooku might have been a touchconcerned, but all he had on his person was that pan.Verylittle of this was going how he had expected. “Yes.I find myself rather curious as to how far your Schism extended.”At Kenobi’s overly politeand curious look, Dooku started to pace. Tholme was still in hiscorner, taking some kind of report from – ah, now that wasinteresting. From the man’s former padawan, Vos. Skywalker had usedthe Force to mount what looked to be some kind of trophy plaque onthe wall, that what could possibly fit in those brackets was beyondhim.  That boy was watching them with a disgruntled expression, armscrossed and fingers of the arm Dooku had taken tapping impatiently onhis other forearm. Hespun to face Kenobi, who had followed to remain a few paces away.“Have you simply left the Jedi? Or have you left the Republic aswell?”Kenobi’ssmile was thin and barely trying for humor. “Nowreally. Here we are, making a new home on a Republicworld –”“Whichhas long had its sympathies for you, and any strays you might bringin. I recall what it was like, leaving the Order, and had I not hadmy own home to go to, I would have been quite adrift.”Skywalkerhad bristled at the “strays” comment, as intended. Kenobi,however, simply rolled his eyes. “Oh spit it out already. I have aridiculous amount of things to do today. Whatdo you want?”Hepulled a regretful face, and shrugged as if it were no matter. “Ihad thought that perhaps Qui-Gon mighthave encouraged more…open-mindedness in you. I do know I tried toteach him better than this.”There was just the righttouch of disappointment, never disdain, in his voice. “In themeantime, I am merely here to offer Serenno as an alternative home,should you or any of your people wish to travel to more appreciativeclimes.”Therewas an odd silence as Kenobi stared at him, brows still raised ininquiry. Then of all things, the man shook his head. “Really?That’s your play?That’s your grand scheme? Invoke my dead master – dead not toofar from here, thank you very much for presuming that would tweak myheartstrings – and use a bit of Force suggestion to try to make mething this was a good idea?”Dookublinked, gaping a little. There was no way Kenobi could have feltthat! He could not have known – Kenobispun away as if to flounce off, only to sharply spin back, fryingpan raised.Therewas a sudden explosion along Dooku’s side.*     *     *     *Theentire unending headache of this whole venture was worth the look onDooku’s face as Obi-Wan entered the meeting hall with the fryingpan in hand. Getting to actually hitDooku with it was worth doing it all over again. Anakin’s applausewas merely icing on a lovely cake.TheCount was on the floor, clutching his arm – and oh, wasn’t ittempting to repay Geonosis and go for a leg as well. Somehow Obi-Wanrestrained himself to tutting and shaking his head. “Thatwas for trying to fuck with my mind. Do that again, and I shall domore than break your arm. Or ribs. Whatever it is that made such alovely snapping noise.” He looked over as a smirking Tholme brokeoff communications with Vos. “What’s our status?”“Thecommando droids sneaking out of his shuttle have been neutralized,and –” A faint explosionsomewhere above in the skies of Naboo filtered down. “Thatshould be the last of their air support being taken care of.”Kenobigave the man a polite nod, then glared down at Dooku. “Get the hellout of our home, and please be aware that next time, no white flagsare going to save you.” He spun around, almost humming. Withcleanup from a skirmish like this, none of his plans for the day wererelevant anymore, and so he probably had quite a bit of spare time onhis hands – especially if he delegated properly. He took a fewsteps away from Dooku, then used the Force to move the frying paninto the brackets.Perhapsnot the worst place for it at all. Anakin had been tapping his footimpatiently in front of Obi-Wan’s desk for ten minutes now and it was going onhis last nerve.“No, Anakin, I don’t have time to spar withyou because you saddled me with this blasted job and I’m drowning inpaperwork,” Obi-Wan gritted out past clenched teeth, closing his eyes. Force,he needed a drink. Strike that, he needed tendrinks. Something strong. Something reallystrong. The day spent getting blisteringly drunk after Yoda showed up hadalready dimmed to a distant memory, and of course his resignation from the damnjob had lasted all of seven hours. Twelve years of Qui-Gon, ten years ofAnakin, and now he got saddled with an entire order. Somewhere in the Force hisold Master was surely laughing at him. On second thought, the Force was probablylaughing too.He breathed in, breathed out again, andmade a conscious effort to release his frustration into the Force. Immediatelythe pounding behind his temples eased.When he opened his eyes again, Anakin waslooking at him with a mixture of guilt, worry and weariness.“I changed my mind,” Obi-Wan said, muchmore civilly. “I need a break.”———-Their current training dojo was onlytemporary, a larger, more accommodating one being built by busy Naboo and Jedihands, but it would do for their current purpose.Obi-Wan rid himself of his cloak and turnedtowards Anakin, a challenging eyebrow raised high on his forehead. Anakingrinned in acceptance of the challenge, and advanced.Two minutes later, Anakin was flat on his face,his right arm twisted painfully behind his back.“Master,” Anakin wheezed, “you’ve beenholding out on me.”Obi-Wan looked down at him smugly, butreleased his grip as Anakin’s free hand tapped the ground in the universal signof capitulation. “Maybe I’m just more motivated to kick your ass right now.”Anakin gave him a shit-eating grin. “If I’dknown all I needed to do to get you to really fight was to make you really,really annoyed I’d have tried that approach ages ago.”“You didspend the last ten years trying to do that. Don’t take credit for my unendingpatience with your antics.”Giving Anakin a hand up, Obi-Wan fell backinto an opening position, hands open and in front of him and beckoned.“Now, why don’t you put some real effortinto this.” He smirked. “Unless that was all you got?”Anakin’s affronted expression waswell-worth the gruelling session that followed.*The first time Obi-Wan caught a Padawanstanding in front of the newly mounted ‘Frying Pan of Freedom and Justice’muttering under her breath, he didn’t think much of it. The story of how theirnew Grandmaster had whacked Dooku one had spread like wildfire and delightedadult and child Jedi alike after all.He also hadn’t been too concerned with thegrowing number of Jedi running around with cooking implements attached to theirbelts now – had even been vaguely impressed with Knight Vos’ collapsible one.Then he witnessed a screaming match betweentwo younglings over whose frying pan was better and more like the Grandmaster’s,and realized that somewhere along the lines he’d made a terrible mistake. Onemight debate whether their little group could still be named Jedi, but hecertainly wasn’t keen on it being renamed ‘Order of the Frying Pan’. It was fartoo undignified for one thing.The next time he found a group of Padawanshuddled around the frying pan display, young voices hushed and serious asvarious fingers pointed out particularly dented spots, he cleared his throatloudly.“What is this, Padawans?”Four small heads turned quickly enough forObi-Wan’s neck to twinge in sympathy.“Um…” The oldest of the Padawans, who’d been allbut shoved in front of the group by everyone else, squirmed.Obi-Wan raised a brow. “Yes?”“It’s our assignment, Master,” he mumbledout in a rush, shuffling his feet a little. “There’s a standing assignment forall Padawans to try and determine where and by whom the Grandmaster’s fryingpan was crafted.”Obi-Wan almost choked on his invisibledouble-take. What in the Force’s name?“And who exactly gave you this assignment?”he asked, brows drawing together suspiciously. The Padawans shared a look, and clearlyunanimously decided that throwing the mysterious teacher under the speeder wasthe better part of valour in this case. “Padawan Tano, Master.”Obi-Wan sighed. Of course – if it wasn’tAnakin making trouble or attempting to upend buckets of water over his head, itwas his equally troublesome Padawan.“I see,” he said out loud, and shook hishead. “I wish you luck, Padawans.”The little ones exchanged confused glances.“I thought there was no luck, Master?” one ofthem ventured.“Exactly.”Obi-Wan turned to go.“Oh, and Padawans? While at times it isgood and proper to let someone else speak for you in deference to their wisdom,I would not recommend employing that strategy when explaining yourself toMasters.”A chorus of sheepish ‘Yes, Master’sfollowed him out of the meeting hall. Only once outside and out of earshot, didhe allow himself to chortle quietly. Determine the origin of the frying panindeed. If only they knew their preciouspan was found by Qui-Gon on a rubbish heap decades ago.Since it got invoked, I’m just gonna toss this out there. As of 11/23/16, this is the most advanced thread that I know of. ^_^ -- source link

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