her-master: One of the questions I am always asked is some variation of “I have met a new Dom
her-master: One of the questions I am always asked is some variation of “I have met a new Dom online. What should I expect? How will this work?” I have been consistently deleting that question for several reasons. Most important, I feel that any answer I give is kinda pointless, since this will be very different with every Dom and with every sub too. (For my part, I have always been careful to do things differently with each girl, so there is no one way I do things. There is no mold she has to fit into and there is no comparing her to previous girls.) However, I keep getting the question, and there is also the undertone of “how do I do this safely?” and “what would it be like with You?”… eventually I decided a short answer might be in order. At any rate, this is one of my most frequently asked questions, so here we go. To keep this simple, assume that you are a girl who has caught My eye, and I will write this using “I” and “you”. Some of what I say here is very personal and applies only to Me, but I think some of what I suggest you should be feeling and thinking is a bit more universal. I also should say here, at the beginning, that I may have been too critical. I’ve come down very, very hard on Doms who focus on getting girls on cam and collecting pictures—that still feels wrong and dirty to me, and my inbox is filled with stories of girls who felt they were manipulated and cajoled (you don’t get to use that word every day) into giving a guy pics she didn’t really want to share. There may be something legitimate here, though. It’s not me, but I do know that many girls get a thrill from sharing pictures, and, honestly, I’ve gotten a number of submissions that I really enjoyed too. There’s nothing wrong with a sexy girl playing and sharing herself in photos if she’s comfortable (or turned on) by doing so, but I don’t think it can be a focus for very long, or things just stay kind of shallow. It’s a nice way to share if everyone is on the same page, so it may be more possible to build something around that than I’ve said in the past. Just be very careful. For the purposes of this question, let’s assume that you and I are entering into a relationship that will begin online and eventually include real-life. If you’re doing something else just adapt what I say here to your situation. Actually, take it all with a huge grain of salt anyway, because it’s just my opinion. So, assume that you caught My eye and attention in some way. My first contact with you would be friendly, but I would be open from the beginning that I was interested in you as more than a friend. I absolutely would not try to “trick” a girl into submitting by making her think we were only friends. (This seems to be one of the most common games some guys do online, by the way.) However, we are talking about building a relationship and a connection between two people, and friendship is an important part of that. Expect that we will spend a lot of time—hours and hours… days and days—just talking and chatting… getting to know each other. Now, there is going to be some sexual tension and chemistry, right? Otherwise, what are we doing? So, it’s reasonable to expect that there will be flirting, there will be some sexy chat, and there will be some very hot moments, but it will not be the focus. It probably will not happen nearly as much as you want it to, honestly. If I’m truly interested in you, we’re going to spend most of the time getting to know each other. If a guy doesn’t do this… if 100% of your time is sex chat and you sending pictures… I don’t think you’re actually building a relationship. Trust is key, and it’s really problematic. You don’t know anyone on the internet. Remember that. It’s always dangerous to meet someone or to share personal information because there are predators out there, and they are very, very good. You cannot tell if someone is safe by talking to them or spending time online with them. Also, think about where you’re headed—once you are tied up and gagged, you’ve literally put your life in this man’s hands. Submissive women are probably at extra risk when meeting someone online. (Also, remember there are plenty of men attracted to BDSM because they think they get to beat women, and I’m betting you run into a lot more of those online than you would in real-life settings. Just a guess.) There are also guys who will get a kick out of manipulating and abusing you emotionally, and those scars can be very deep. I’ve heard lots of stories who submitted to behavior modification and find the effects last long past the end of the relationship… long past the point they wished they could forget the guy. I’m not trying to scare you, but you should be very careful. If someone gives you their real-life contact information and you can’t verify anything online, you probably do not have their real information. Before you meet someone face to face, there comes a point where you have to verify some things about them in real life, and trust your gut—if it feels wrong, it is wrong. Once some basic trust has been established, expect that we will start talking about submission. So you say you want to be a submissive in a D/s relationship? Great. What exactly does that mean to you? Yes, limits need to be discussed, and you may have no idea if you have no experience, but even more than that, what does submission mean to you? What would it look like if you were to submit to Me? I find a tool like that survey I posted here to be very useful for starting a discussion. Both parties can fill it out, exchange information, and then talk openly. This is the key—you must be painfully honest. If you’re scared you will upset Me or disappoint Me or that we aren’t a good match, it doesn’t matter. Be honest. Never bend an answer to match what you think I want to hear. Be honest. Any small dishonesty can grow and infect everything. For us to really forge this connection, I must know you—the real you with nothing hidden. That’s terrifying for many girls, and you may need to spend time asking yourself some very difficult questions before you can even begin to answer Mine. That’s ok. Expect Me to be very patient through this whole process, if I’m really interested in you. This could take weeks or months if you have no experience… it’s a discovery process. You can’t rush it. So you see, to this point, everything is about building trust and us getting to know each other. That takes time and effort… so much patience… so much trust on your part that I really want to see the real you. It is not a straight line, and it may be scary and discouraging at times. I haven’t asked you for anything yet. You are not my submissive. You have no rules (though you may crave them) and you have nothing you have to do for Me—you have no obligations. I have not asked you for photos, except perhaps a few facebook-style photos very early on just to put a face to words. Once we’ve verified the attraction is there, the focus really isn’t on photos; it’s on much deeper things. You should expect to be scared at some times here. Maybe worried, maybe uncomfortable at times. I may need to know details about some pretty difficult times in your life. You should expect me to be respectful and understanding, but I’m going to ask questions and I’m going to come back to them. You should also expect to be getting to know me. A Dom who totally hides himself from you is probably not very invested in you. You very likely will, at some point here, slide into calling me “Sir” or something that feels right to you sometimes. Maybe not, and I will never tell you to call me anything at this stage. You also will probably find yourself looking forward to our contact and really wanting my control. Notice that again—you find yourself really wanting this. If you don’t, something is wrong. It’s also worth mentioning that we may take some time off during this process. I will be very concerned that you do not feel rushed or forced, and may even suggest you take a few days here and there away, or perhaps we will talk less seriously during that time. You should feel safe. You should feel like, at any moment, you can say you don’t want this and walk away. You should not feel manipulated, controlled, frightened (except for the natural fear of sharing and building trust) or forced into doing anything at all. Many of the girls I have talked to who’ve had bad experiences felt forced and manipulated at this stage. I’ve even heard stories of girls who have talked to guys for less than two weeks and say things like “I can’t get out.” That’s a huge warning sign. At some point, we need to meet face to face, and this must be done right. Hopefully, you’re close enough that the first meeting can be casual and non-sexual. You must use a safecall system (meaning someone must know you’re meeting me, where you’re going to be, how long the meeting should take, and you will phone this person several times during our meeting. You are free to walk away at any time and I will not follow you. You may even want to work out some code word to tell the person on the other end of the phone that you’re in trouble… a code word that I will not know.) We’re both taking risk at this stage, but that risk is minimized by making this a public, non-sexual meeting. There must be clear understanding of what will and will not happen at this meeting. Ideally, there will be no sexual contact at all. Not obsessive no-contact. If we walk, I may touch your back or your arm… if it feels right I may hug you… like that… or perhaps we will have an understanding and expectation that far more could happen. Whatever, but it must be clearly understood, and you should expect no surprises. You should expect Me to have the self control to stick to whatever rules we set. If I tell you I will not touch you sexually, and we end up somewhere with my hand up your dress, I’d suggest you go home and seriously re-think the relationship and the trust you’ve given me… even if you begged for it. Rules are rules. They can be whatever we agree to, but they must be followed, and you must expect me to enforce them. D/s is about control, and it begins with the Dom controlling himself. Maybe you’re too far away and we can’t have that casual meeting, or maybe this next part just happens first, but at some point we begin to explore your submission. This is a very important step in a girl’s life, and I think the best way to do this is for it to be for a limited, but significant time. (A month?) We will have written guidelines so there can be no misunderstanding what is and what is not covered…. Perhaps a formal contract or perhaps a list of only a few small things. You will have a safeword even now, and if you’re really unhappy with something you certainly can use it. (Though it’s probably a failing on my part if I push you that far here… I think of this differently than physical play, where a sub should sometimes be pushed to the safeword point. Different Doms have different understandings of this, though.) One thing that you should definitely expect at this point is that I will own your pleasure… your orgasms will be Mine. You will not touch yourself, and you certainly will not cum, without My permission. No matter how many times you’ve imagined it, you cannot really prepare yourself for the first time you lay there with your legs spread, listening to Me, the Man who now owns you, telling you exactly what to do to your body. You will beg to be allowed to cum for Me, and you will not always be allowed. You are Mine. I will teach you what that means. There will be other aspects we explore, and you will begin to understand and experience submission and the feeling of being owned. Our relationship will change, as we are no longer friends but now Master and submissive, and you will act accordingly. You may feel scared, pushed, and controlled sometimes. There may be things I have you do that are difficult and challenging and you may not, honestly, like everything I demand of you, but, overwhelmingly, you should be excited. Nothing we do should ever make you feel dirty, used or degraded after the experience, except possibly in an erotic, exciting way. This should be an exciting and wonderful experience. If it’s not, something’s wrong. At the end of the time, we will look back, evaluate, and figure out what comes next. The next time we meet will be… different. I don’t have to tell you why—you will be Mine. (If you’re far away, maybe this is the first time we will meet, which makes everything a little bit more complicated.) It will be your place to prepare yourself for Me and to present yourself to Me. We will need to have very clear understandings of your physical and sexual limits, and we will explore them together. It’s obvious at this stage you are putting your mind and your body in my hands. It’s obvious that trust is so, so important here, but trust has been important all along. Without that and without the connection we’ve built, everything we do is fairly empty in my opinion. As for the specifics of this first encounter, you could generally expect it to be more sensual than anything else, and, well, I’ve already written about first times in other places on this tumblr. So, that’s it. Sorry for the long, kind of rambling answer, and sorry that it was so personal to me. Other Doms might do things very differently, but I still think there should be time to build the connection. I talked a girl last week who met a “dom” on FetLife who, within two weeks, was having her do things she really didn’t want to do and was pushing her to meet him as soon as possible… she wanted out but didn’t know if she could get out. That’s really not ok, and is dangerous. I think the most important things I wrote here are what I’m suggesting you might be thinking or feeling at each stage. Of course it will vary, but you should want this and crave this at nearly every point. Yes, it’s a relationship so it will have ups and downs, and it’s an especially hard form of a relationship. There will be times when it’s real work and times when you’re really challenged, but, above all, you should crave to submit nearly as much as you want that next breath of air. If you don’t, something is wrong. -- source link