Have you ever ruined your entire life? Have you ever sunk to a point where you wonder to yourself ho
Have you ever ruined your entire life? Have you ever sunk to a point where you wonder to yourself how you destroyed every good opportunity that has ever come across your path? You hurt people you never wanted to hurt. You destroy things you’ve never wanted to lose. Your life becomes a sad echo of bad decisions you made. I lost the most important person in my life because I was busy being selfish. I built the most special, important, amazing, perfectly imperfect relationship with the most beautiful girl I have ever met. And overnight I destroyed it. I may never again get to spend nights in her bed or hold her the way we used to and it keeps me up at night. It keeps me wide awake at three in the morning wondering what went wrong in my head to ruin what was the luckiest situation in my life. I have nightmares about losing her that seems to be quickly forming into a dark and dismal reality, and the worst is I don’t blame her. She was always better then me in every way. She could be perfect where I was flawed. She could keep working where I would give up. Her tenacity to this day astounds me. Her ability to win people over; even my perfectionist, paranoid, over analyzing mother. Her brown eyes. Her understanding. Her humour, her sass. Her physical and mental beauty is overwhelming to me. I made a decision out of hatred and fear for myself instead of out of love and appreciation for her. That turned out to be the worst mistake of my life. I’ve been in love with her since the 8th grade. Girls came and went but she was the only one I could never forget. It took me 3 years to get a chance and for almost 3 more years it was the best part of my life. And I blew it all. My entire life. I don’t really believe I will ever get another chance. I don’t really believe I deserve it. I’m starting to believe I never deserved a first chance. Despite that, I still sleep on a couch every night hoping that maybe one day something will change. I still lie awake at 4am because maybe she’ll say something important. I still drive passed her exit on the highway and wonder if she’s thinking about me. I still keep money aside in case she wants to go out.I still do all of these things out of naive hope that maybe someday she will realize that my mistake was not her fault. And I’m still in as in love with her as the day I first told her. Maybe she’ll never be ready. But I will always be ready to sacrifice anything and everything, my sleep and sanity, to have it back. I hope you are well. -- source link