It’s 10pm. I’m on my knees, in a toilet cubicle with my fingers down my throat. I’
It’s 10pm. I’m on my knees, in a toilet cubicle with my fingers down my throat. I’d just endured my nightmare situation. A meal out with my boyfriend’s family. These people seemed nice on the surface but they were very judgemental and I knew they never thought I was good enough for their son. We were at Zizzi (a pizza place) and I knew they’d have things to say if I tried to just stick with a side salad and water, so OK I ordered a pizza. And I employed my best acting skills as I ate it slice by slice like it was nothing. But underneath I was freaking the fuck out. Let me take you back to 2008. I was 19, working a full time job at a prestigious publishing house, taking on modelling jobs on the side, and living in an apartment I’d bought with my long-term boyfriend. Man, I looked like I had it all figured out. And lemme tell you I really worked hard to keep up that appearance. But that’s all it was. An appearance. A lie I told myself. A lie I told the world. For a long time, I hadn’t been happy. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to. Get a full time corporate job. Check. Get a long-term relationship. Check. Get a mortgage. Check. So I felt like there was something wrong with me. What do I need to fix about myself so that I can be happy in this ideal situation? Because clearly I should be happy with this! Oh yes. Obviously I’m not skinny enough. Must be it. I’d been hearing comments on my ‘weight’ (bear in mind I was a UK size 8) from the photographers I’d been working with on my modelling gigs. “you looked slimmer in your portfolio”, “I’m going to need to do a lot of Photoshop work on these”, “ok your legs are too big so we can’t do the seated pose” and well, I was young and impressionable. I quickly started to believe I was ‘too big’. In February 2009, I found myself living on diet coke. I hadn’t eaten in 3 weeks. Not a morsel of food had passed my lips. What started out as dieting had quickly turned into an eating disorder through my determination to be ‘skinny’. READ THE REST BY SWIPING (at Puregym Norwich Castle Mall) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUvCuuiojCu/?utm_medium=tumblr -- source link