x-files scriptwritten using predictive text keyboardsby BOTNIK, a machine-human writing collectiveso
x-files scriptwritten using predictive text keyboardsby BOTNIK, a machine-human writing collectivesource: x-files transcriptsjoin BOTNIK: tinyletter.com/botniktranscript:THE X-FILESS0XE01: COVERALLSBy BOTNIK EXT. MUSEUM GARAGE - NIGHTFALLA man wearing rubber gloves and office trash leaning against alarge blue environment. Alien baby begins screaming.CUT TO:INT. THE DOOR ROOMThe phone rings through the computer. Mulder nods at thecomputer. Door slides open. Mulder nods at the door. Scullysighs into the office. Mulder points to Scully. He nods atScully. MULDER The old woman that just got off the phone with me is a ghost and I’m guessing that’s an X-File. SCULLY Look agent, that is science. Believe it or not. MULDER Don’t you think that God is thebest? SCULLY That’s the only thing I’ve heard.Mulder nods and crawls outside into a car.INT. SCULLY’S KNIFE OFFICECUT TO:Mulder enters followed by a cop. The cop looks at Scully. Thecop is Scully. Scully, wearing a potato, knocks Mulderslightly on the bottom. MULDER Would you say this case involves some sort of phenomenon? SCULLY Just a weatherman, Mulder. No one who we should talk about. MULDER I’m not clairvoyant, Scully. My sister disappeared down the drain so…just another forty years of general mean facts. Mulder and Scully violently laugh at a frame. The frame spiltsdown the middle to reveal a diagram. The diagram is a pictureof Scully looking terrified. SCULLY Let’s go to the hospital. RAINBOW CUT TO SCULLY LYING MOTIONLESS IN HER CAR: SCULLY Smoke, Mulder. Smoke and speak. Speak of what happened here. And ignore the obvious while simultaneously smoking.Scully turns around and attacks a man wearing blue coveralls.He is very upset. SCULLY Convince me that the government kidnapped you.Mulder gets out of the water cooler. Scully sighs and startsto write on his face. Mulder looks up. MULDER It’s just what we feared. The government did this.Mulder turns and crawls out through the window. Scully sighsand hangs a small bag of goo over a wine glass. It beepstwice.CUT TO:EXT. FOREST OUT OF DOORSThe alien smashes a passenger’s face. Elevator dings open.CUT TO:Inside the pueblo cavern, a shadowy figure undresses Mulderwith its lights for eyes. SCULLY Let’s get a picture of it.They get into their camera and it breaks. SCULLY We’re going to be arrested.Suddenly Mulder clears his throat uncomfortably and looks athis father, who has a small smile and a large bloodsoakedwound. MULDER You’re going to listen to me, sir. I need you to take us to the hospital for a while. SCULLY Haloperidol is a lethal poison you can see through the window. Can you tell, Mulder, that I think it’s beautiful? MULDER I’m not Mulder. I am actually two agents parked outside the office. SCULLY Okay. Then you understand how serious this is.INT. CIGARETTE HOUSECUT TO:Mulder enters with a newspaper man. They begin blaring musicand sounds of mooing. MULDER New Hampshire is a lie! SCULLY Mulder those files from Betsy’s apartment filled my car. Cut back on the radio signals. MULDER Relax, it’s not like it’s a bad piece of sushi. SCULLY But we already contacted everyone at the zoo and they were fake people.Mulder nods and crawls through an old orchard.Mulder opens up to a man in the bar. MULDER You know, I never thought I’d like a human flesh, but I do. I do. And if you think it’s ridiculous, I think you’re mistaken.CUT TO: INT. DARK CAR JIMMY’S APARTMENTHelicopters are rapidly approaching the car. Scully gets outand pushes a man in black. Mulder looks back at the chimp fromthe window. MULDER Stay alive and I’ll prove it’s not a hoax. Monkeys do have vestigial tails. SCULLY Your theories are for the fish. The cause of death was a spaceship, Mulder! Spaceship man’s body is obviously all over the entire museum grounds. MULDER It’s a conspiracy: if pizza was the problem, literally anyone eating chickens would need a complete autopsy. SCULLY Mulder that’s not true. Your father and mother killed all those people with immunodeficiencies. It was a normal idea…to a prisoner. MULDER Don’t you say that. I was kidding about the X-File. Leave me with your husband. SCULLY Okay. I have to get back to my scientific achievements anyway.Mulder looks like a hearse. MULDER The medical records indicate that I do crime now.CUT TO: EXT. MOUNTAIN SCENEMulder is sitting in a trance. Scully enters the housecarrying the scene. SCULLY Mulder what is fiction? MULDER Think about it Scully. What are we but an animal living inside the body of Agent Mulder?Mulder nods at a picture of his chest. SCULLY You’re saying that you happened to get the tattoo on your knees in a parking garage? I mean, it’s a dead cow. Why do you want that? MULDER Men are infected with an emptiness. You know that. SCULLY Speaking of your esophagus, you know what I learned down the street? You’re lying about the boy you got that waterbed from. He’s not a botanist and he fed his fish this morning.INT. OFFICE OF GENERAL FRANCISWIPE TO:At the computer, alien doctors are looking for a moment oftense silence. Cap’n Toby is completely cool and confidentnow. He turns around to the window – CUT TO BLACK TO BE CONTINUED… -- source link