redbottomedharlot: Crime, Punishment and Desire I find need and desire to be equally terrifying, mor
redbottomedharlot: Crime, Punishment and Desire I find need and desire to be equally terrifying, more so when the two are combined. When I want to excite myself, I close my eyes and fantasize about harsh punishments and terrible predicaments that I can’t get out of. Sometimes I’m reminded of the old saying “your eyes are bigger than your belly.” I know I couldn’t endure half the things that play out when I close my eyes and slip my hands between my legs, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting them. Most spanking fetishists will tell you that actual punishment feels different from a roleplay or a funishment. These scenes are designed to make you not want them, because of the emotional components (guilt, disappointment, etc) that aren’t prevalent in other scenes. That’s generally why we roleplay - to get that punitive experience that gets our gears turning. Roleplay, playful scenes, all of these things I categorize under desire. Punishment, discipline, structure - these all feel more like a need. In a sense they are - we as humans need structure to prevent our lives from devolving into chaos. I suppose we all just have different ways of getting it. A couple of weeks ago, I asked my friend Gracie to punish me. I hadn’t been truly punished in a while, which I guess one could argue is a good thing but distance plays a huge part. She discussed things with Billy, as I wanted to check in that things were okay with him on all accounts before we went through with anything. Since the issue (chronic lateness) was something that we’d discussed before we agreed that Grace would handle the specific incident at hand and that Billy and I would convene again at a later date. There is a grey area when it comes ro desire in terms of discipline. I knew that would took place would feel terrible but I still wanted it. I needed the structure but I wanted the fresh start. I wanted to feel whole again, and I wanted to get rid of the nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach that tells me what a terrible thing I’ve done. Anyone can live with guilt - it can be buried away deep in the receses of our mind. And even when that occassionally jab comes by, reminding you want an awful thing you’ve done, you can close your eyes until it passes. In this way, guilt is inherently selfish. This is where desire falls in. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing - if I hurt someone and I apologize but don’t feel bad about it, it doesn’t mean anything. However if I hurt someone and I apologize because I feel bad, it means much more. Empathty and sincerity don’t occur on their own. Sometimes we have to ache too. I needed, and I wanted to be punished because I had fallen into a habit that hurt myself more than anyone else. And so I was, and it felt terrible - but I got the structure that I needed and the forgiveness I desired. I felt whole again. -- source link