Shortly after leaving LO, I went out on a date. A few days after that I started talking to someone e
Shortly after leaving LO, I went out on a date. A few days after that I started talking to someone else. And a month or so after that I got into a relationship with someone new altogether. I rushed into situations in pursuit of the experience of love and happiness I’d felt robbed of with LO, unaware of how deeply his actions had actually impacted me. I thought I’d left at the first incident of abuse, since I’d ended things the moment he hit me; I had no idea that I’d just experienced three years of psychological violence.The new relationship was great at first because David was loving and devoted. But when I was with him I found myself acting in ways I hadn’t before. I was on edge. I was reactive. Needy. Possessive. It was a major trigger for me if he in any way displayed inconsistent behavior because that was a warning sign I’d once ignored, to detrimental consequences. LO had acted like such a nice person initially and I’d failed to detect the imminent abuse―what if my judgment was wrong about David as well? How could I trust that he too would not transform into Mr. Hyde the moment I let down my guards? I had no idea how to feel stable or safe and with the ongoing tug of war within me between wanting to trust him and feeling too terrified to do so, I constantly felt like I was on the verge of losing my mind.With the traumatic memories playing on repeat, I became vigilant at all times for any sign that I might be in danger, in an effort to protect myself from going through the same things again. Although in a sense it felt safer for me to stay in this state of readiness, I was actually revisiting the trauma over and over again as I constantly scanned my environment for its warning signs. -- source link
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