I wrote this up for Twitter, but I thought I’d share it here, as well. – I think

I wrote this up for Twitter, but I thought I’d share it here, as well. – I think something that people often overlook about suicide, depression, and anxiety, is that it doesn’t always LOOK like anything, and it can come quick. I’m not sure what Bourdain’s case was, but for someone like me, who deals with depression and anxiety, but is pretty high-functioning, seeing Bourdain go is terrifying. Someone said to me recently, ‘He didn’t seem sad!’ There’s a lot to unpack here. The idea of ‘seeming’ is misleading. Many people with depression and anxiety don’t ‘seem’ like anything. As a culture, we’re taught about depression in entirely the wrong way. It isn’t always staying inside for a week at a time listening to Morrissey. (Although this is totally me most of the time, so maybe that’s not the best example.) Often, depression is very quiet and small, and working on us in ways we don’t understand, let alone outwardly show. We’re also taught that anxiety looks like stress. ‘He didn’t seem stressed out.’ Whew, let me tell you, if you’ve EVER seen or spoken to me, I’ve probably been suppressing some anxiety. For me, my anxiety is always with me. It sits right above my stomach and feels like a slow acid, eating away at me throughout the day. What does that ‘seem’ like to other people? I don’t know. Probably nothing. For some people, that anxiety and depression build over time. Sometimes ditching plans or staying in the apartment for a week aren’t part of some manic episode, it’s just because we’re physically exhausted. (Never underestimate how TIRING it is to have depression and anxiety.) This brings me to the second point: ‘sad’. This has been the dangerous part for me. We’re taught that depression is some kind of more intense sadness. Boyyyy, has that not been the case for me. My depression is spread pretty thin. Some days, it’s spread so thin that it would hardly ‘seem’ like anything. These days, I’m actually a pretty happy person! I’m a happy person who has serious depression. My depression feels like a heartbeat. Sometimes, even I barely notice it. But if I look for it, I find a steady dose of worthlessness, self-loathing, and suicidal ideation coursing through…well…everything. My depression is always there. Sometimes it’s loud. So loud all of you could hear it. Sometimes it’s so quiet I struggle find it. Sometimes, it’s quiet enough that I even think it’s gone. This is the dangerous part. When I’m not ‘sad’, I can forget I have depression. This is a lot to do with the stigma about depression and what we’re taught to look for. I feel ‘happy’ so I must not actually have it. I must be being overdramatic. When I said earlier that depression, anxiety, and suicide can happen quickly, THIS is where that comes in. I don’t think people realize how quickly depression can kill you. In my life, depression does not look like ‘To be or not to be?’ It is quick and hard and vicious. When I’ve nearly died, it’s all happened in less than an hour. All it takes is one bad night. Out of nowhere. It can be triggered by a thought. Suddenly, someone who ‘seems’ ‘happy’ (maybe IS happy!) can be in a fight for their life. And if they don’t win EVERY. SINGLE. FIGHT. we lose them. I’ll say here too that while calls for people to reach out are truly lovely, it isn’t always about that. My depression doesn’t often feel like me ‘wanting to die’. It feels like something trying to kill me. Because these attacks can happen so quickly and without warning, ‘reaching out’ isn’t always an option. Because of what we’re taught about these things, Bourdain’s death can seem like a shock. And in many ways it is. But when I heard about his death, I was sad for him and for his family, but also terrified for myself, because I know that sense of ‘shock’ and ‘he didn’t seem sad’ is probably how it would go down for me. Bourdain’s death is a reminder that my depression is ALWAYS there, no matter how I ‘seem’ to other people and myself. It’s there no matter how ‘happy’ I am. And it always will be. For some people, depression is something they fight every day. For others, like me, it’s something that comes and goes in a day, or even an hour. And I have to be ready to fight it at every moment. Forever. If you want to do something to help, all I can say is make your love felt. Reach out to your friends all the time! If you’re thinking about someone, text them. If you love someone, tell them. I survived a serious episode because I knew I had someone I could call. She had NEVER seen me in that state, didn’t know I could even be in that state, but I knew that that wouldn’t matter, because I knew she loved me. She came right away, brought me to her home, made me feel loved, and gave me a place to sleep. There is nothing she could have done to fend off the attack in the first place, but because she had made her love so clear throughout our friendship, I knew I could seek her out when things got bad. All of this to say, depression is scary. We’re all trying to take care of ourselves and each other and, sometimes, we don’t make it. BUT, love only helps. Be open and generous with your love. Be persistent. Be effusive. Be ANNOYING with your love. Say it and show it. In any way that works for you. In a big way or a little way. In any way. It can truly, truly save someone’s life. -- source link

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