She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from on
She understood that the hardest times in life to go through were when you were transitioning from one version of yourself to another – Sarah Addison Allen It’s taken me over a decade to become the woman I am today. It took 3 years before I even STARTED to understand and make the kind of art that sets my soul on fire. So then, what on earth would possess me to think that I would slip softly into Motherhood … as though it were a silk nightie? For the past three days I’ve been losing myself. Inch by inch. So. Much. Crying. Hazel’s cries were like shards of glass, ripping, shredding, slicing through my head, reducing my nerves to celery strings. I hit an all-time low in my life yesterday as I considered harming my child. Rage welled up in me with a force unlike anything I can describe. Volcano, avalanche – these words are mere shadows of what pulsed through my blood and bones. I didn’t hurt her. Nor do I think I would, but I thought it. I FELT it. It had me by the throat. Before I go any further, if you don’t know what it is to be in this place, moreover – if you cannot even FATHOM what it might feel like to look at someone you would die for a thousand times over and feel nothing short of hate, take a moment to express your profound gratitude. Because you have been spared. I can hardly express the despair, terror, shame and guilt felt over such feelings toward one’s child. But it is real and I will not apologize for it. Never. As lovely as I find those Madonna-esque pictures of women nursing their children to be, I also find them utterly unhelpful. I look at them and they make my soul clench. Is it real? I wonder sometimes how much truth is in them. If they are TRULY the magical moments they appear to be, or if, for no one’s sake at all, they have been fabricated. In the years to come, I swear to you that if I should post something glorious, I will also be sure to tell you of the glorious battle. I will tell you of the war. Continued in the comments… -- source link
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