smoothblender: When I was around 18, I had (and still do have) many male friends - I was pretty attu

smoothblender: When I was around 18, I had (and still do have) many male friends - I was pretty attuned to their immature, chaotic and wild nature, I loved it. I was also pretty immune to some of the aggressive behaviour I witnessed throughout. To cut a long story short, I was assaulted by someone who was a friend until things went askew with his girlfriend and I. It was about 2am, he ran down the street looking for me, pushed me into an alcove of an entrance to a building and had me by the neck as he screamed at me. As I yelled to him to not touch me he asked me what I was going to do about it etc. It was nothing really really serious but it was an intimidating, horrible experience. Nothing came of it - and since then, in the very brief and very rare instances we crossed paths we’ve ignored one another. I’d forgotten all about this until he came into work with his friend on Monday… I was about to finish and was preparing something to eat when I saw him. A series of thoughts brushed across my mind as I contemplated what to do. I thought about whether or not work is a convenient and safe place to confront someone about something like this, I questioned the comfortability and in that moment I was reminded of all the times I’ve felt uncomfortable or pressured in a situation which definitely didn’t align with what I wanted/felt or desired at the time and never said anything (i.e. no/don’t/I don’t feel comfortable/please leave etc) as not to make the situation more awkward, aka sacrifice my integrity for the sake of someone or something else. Then I decided FUCK THAT! How could I possibly allow someone to make me feel that small - So I confronted him about it, it was really strange and tremendously awkward and crude. I was experiencing a whirlwind of angst and disgust deep inside of me as I looked at him…ugh, I felt so sick! It actually didn’t really escalate into much because he threw back this really lame remark that had nothing to do with it and I got thrown and didn’t know what to do so I walked off. The rest of the afternoon I was flustered and furious that I’d allowed him to distract me, but I was still happy with my attempt. I walked from the city to st kilda talking on the phone, venting, venting, venting on my way to kung fu ..funny because, that morning I thought that I might take the night off, so it really inspired/reminded me of one of the reasons that I started it in the first place. So I threw a couple of punches and after I felt much better. This encounter sets a precedence; it stands up for all those times I wasn’t able to communicate what I wanted and needed, for all the times I was made to feel defenceless or stupid or weak. It was wasn’t okay to do that 7 years ago and time doesn’t allow any grievances because it’s certainly not okay to do that now and I’m really proud of myself to taking an opportunity to do something about it, even if it was small and not all that constructive (in the sense that I allowed him to distract me from my point with his retort). But the instigation is key here. It’s created new pathways for me and other women and men who have been intimidated in ANY way. I’m writing this because in having had this recall, I’ve been reminded of our dismissive tendencies within our culture. For example what I mentioned earlier how we both just ignored what had happened rather than dealing with it. I know that there are many of us who create stories to escape the reality or to understate perhaps a boundary that’s being crossed. When we see or hear something on the street or on the train, no matter how “minor” it may be, the general tendency is to ignore it. To dismiss it. But, dismissiveness is not progressive - we don’t learn anything from that sort of behaviour. Building strength and forming bonds is created by support from external sources. We never know where the “victim” is at, how affected or traumatised they could be. Just because we have a tendency to not talk about how we are feeling or about things which have affected us in the past doesn’t mean that they are no longer there. Meet them with compassion, with love, be kind. Please, try and be kind. Standing up for ourselves and others is invaluable, imperative and sacred. We owe it to ourselves to our friends, women, men who have all been taken advantage of and made to feel weak. Violence, any sort of intimidation or scare tactics toward another is serious, and seriously wrong. Please allow yourself in whatever way you can to do something about it. I understand that there are many people who are stifled by their life threatening situations and maybe not capable of seeking help and I’m definitely no superstar but I still see this as a really hopeful moment;each tiny change that we make has great potential for further impact. So please, I implore you to really take care of yourself. Stand up, whatever way you can. Express yourself, You are supported. Boundaries:“Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards him or her and how they will respond when someone steps past those limits.”If you are feeling uncomfortable, if you are feeling like you are doing something against your will, you are feeling unsafe, or if you feel intimidated - a personal boundary is being broken.Please reach out to a professional, a friend, a family member for support if you need. I want to take this opportunity to really thank and share my gratitude for all the people in my life, my dance community, my work, my home, my family, my yoga practice and absolutely astonishing friends for all the support and love they have fed me with throughout my life, to imbue me with various lessons and adventures that I can share with others and help others with. All the people who have and will continue to make me feel safe and supported, people from my past and my future. I love you! -- source link
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