alliradaye:I haven’t been posting on tumblr very often lately because, well, I’m lazy.
alliradaye: I haven’t been posting on tumblr very often lately because, well, I’m lazy. And because he didn’t say anything about it when I didn’t resume posting regularly after my little break. I know I should have without having to be told, but… I’m lazy. And selfish. And thoughtless. I didn’t post because I didn’t want to, brushing off the nagging sense of guilt that I wasn’t trying harder to please him. As shameful as it is to admit, brushing off the guilt got easier over time. He’s loosened the reins quite a bit since I shut down and took off for a bit two months ago. I squirmed back on my own, but we never fully reinstated all my rules. At the moment, I’m: (still!) not allowed to cum; touching my cunt for ten seconds three times daily with one photo; peeing into the cup when at home; and, that’s it actually. Quite a drastic change from all the daily tasks and rules from before. I spent the first few days and even weeks steeped in anxiety about the rules that weren’t there anymore. The lack of rules imparted a heavy weight on my daily life for a while actually, like a phantom limb I couldn’t believe wasn’t there. But then, I started to forget. The sense of emptiness over not having to keep up with my rules gave way to a careless sense of liberation, albeit with that annoying nagging sense of guilt. Once or twice, I tentatively asked him whether he wanted me to get back to the rules. My head wasn’t really in the right place though. I asked because the guilt was infringing on my lackadaisical days, you see, not from a place of a pure desire to please him. I can’t say whether he sensed that or not, but he’s not one to make decisions because I pester him anyway. He gave noncommittal responses each time and let me be. So I be’d. Yesterday though, he told me to return to posting on tumblr once a day. My heart dropped and leapt simultaneously at the unspoken reprimand. I don’t like disappointing him, but I can’t help that my cunt instinctively clenches with arousal when I feel that teeny bit of fear. Which is exactly the response he predicted and wanted, I’m sure. That would be that, except of course it isn’t. He added that I’m to “apologize to your followers for your selfishness. For putting your needs ahead of their sexual gratification.” My stomach twisted in humiliation at that directive. Because how low is that, how low does that make me. Feeling remorseful for disappointing him is one thing, but to have to feel imposed remorse towards an entity outside the two of us because he said so… I felt like a child being scolded for being rude to strangers. (And I reaaaally didn’t want to do it.) Funny thing though. He deemed that my behavior warranted an apology to my followers. However silly I may find that logically, I do now feel ashamed of myself for freely abandoning tumblr when I felt like it, just because I felt like it. It’s a strange feeling, and I can’t quite believe that I feel this way. But I am sorry I was selfish and put my needs above your sexual gratification. That pleasing him should far, far outweigh my selfish concerns is a given. I guess pleasing strangers outweighs my selfish concerns as well. Because he said so. Devotional Training: Even the truest apology does not remove the need for expiation and reparation. A token apology doesn’t even begin to address the situation… -- source link