Daily Picture Assignment #69 These are Reaction Junkie’s shoes.We have a protocol in place

Daily Picture Assignment #69 These are Reaction Junkie’s shoes.We have a protocol in place so that whenever we come home together I have to kneel down, take his shoes off, and wait for him to put my collar on and tell me I may stand. If I’m already there when he comes home, I have to go to the door, get on my knees, take his shoes off, and stay kneeling until he puts my collar on and allows me to get up. This protocol is an “us” thing, and it’s important to me, and to him. On Monday night, Reaction Junkie got dinner with another partner, so I was home before him. I started cooking, and was getting into it. But when the front door opened and I heard Reaction Junkie’s voice, I stopped what I was doing and started towards him to kneel, take his shoes off, and have my collar put on. Then I heard another voice, his partner’s. I stopped in my tracks and several emotions went through me. I didn’t have a problem with her being there, but he presence was entirely unexpected. I felt blindsided, unprepared for interacting with her. I like her, but she knows about my jealousy issues, some of them have been about her, and I always feel a bit uncomfortable around her, sometimes even anxious about how to behave. So, even though I had been excited to see Reaction Junkie, I was suddenly reluctant to follow our protocol. I spun around and went back to the kitchen and kept prepping. They both came into the living room, and Reaction Junkie sat down. He took his shoes off with what sounded like a joking/off-hand comment, something like, “You can’t take them off, since that’s [LFB’s] job.” I was already feeling a bit put out because he hadn’t called me over to remove his shoes for him and to put my collar on me, so when he handed his shoes to his other partner, and said, “Put these by the door,” I started feeling upset. It didn’t help that her response was, “Yes, sir,” even if it was said somewhat jokingly. I looked up and opened my mouth as if to say something, but instead I just glared at both of them. I didn’t feel great about the expression I knew was on my face, but I kind of didn’t care. I was upset and sad and frustrated and I felt let down and really hurt. He was having someone else take care of his shoes. Something that is supposed to be just between us. Something that is very important to me, and to our d/s dynamic. I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, so I focused very hard on the chopping I was doing in an attempt not to cry. Then, as she walked towards the front door, he called after her, “Can you grab the collar hanging on the hook by the door?” I went cold for a second. That was the last straw. He didn’t follow our protocol and he was having someone else get my collar? Another partner, no less? I now felt angry. When she came back, Reaction Junkie took my collar from her and came over to me. I think he’d noticed something was up by this point, but if not, when I turned away from him and said, “No.” He tried again, and I repeated my refusal. I think part of me was hoping he would slap me or something, but instead he looked sad, kind of wounded, and he asked me, “Please let me put it on you?” I felt bad for a moment, but shook my head and returned to cooking. His partner was there for a few more minutes, during which (and I feel bad about this), I stared at the counter and didn’t acknowledge either her or Reaction Junkie. Reaction Junkie walked her to the door and then came back to the kitchen. I said, “I’m glad you don’t care about our d/s dynamic,” or something to that effect, and started to cry. Reaction Junkie replied, “I do care. I care a lot,” sounding hurt and surprised, even a little upset. I told him how I’d felt when he didn’t follow our protocol and then had his other partner take his shoes to the door. Like he didn’t care about our protocol or he wasn’t thinking about it or he wasn’t thinking about me. He hugged me and explained that it is important to him and he had been thinking about it. In fact, he’d put a lot of thought into it. That was why he didn’t have her take his shoes off, and even said that it was because that’s something only I do. He told me that he hadn’t done the rest of the protocol because I was cooking and he didn’t want to interrupt because sometimes I find that upsetting. Plus, he needed to go to the bathroom. I listened and started feeling bad about how I’d reacted. I started apologizing and saying that I shouldn’t have reacted like that, that it shouldn’t matter so much, etc. He stopped me and told me that no, I didn’t need to apologize for my feelings, and that of course it’s important. He validated my feelings and said all the right things, which of course made me feel worse about how I’d behaved. He continued reassuring me and made sure that I understood where he’d been coming from. I was still upset, but starting to feel better. Then Reaction Junkie picked up a bag of stuff to recycle and said, “I’m going to take this out,” looking at me meaningfully before adding, “And I’’m going to put my shoes back on.” I grinned at him and he gave me a kiss and left the apartment. I listened until I heard the front door open. I scampered over to Reaction Junkie, knelt at his feet and removed his shoes. He put my collar on me, reminded me that I’m his, and had me crawl back to the kitchen. In the future, I’m going to do a better job of giving him the benefit of the doubt. He loves me and cares about me, so he wouldn’t intentionally do something like have someone else provide him a service that is just an us thing. He’s very smart, so I would do well to assume that he’s given thought to what he does, particularly in relation to things that are important to me. If I’m uncertain about something, instead of imagining the worst (that he doesn’t care about our dynamic), I should trust him enough to communicate my concerns, not shut down and turn away. In addition to the relationshipy/love/partner type of reasons I should have behaved differently, there is also the fact that he owns me and I’ve submitted to him. He knows best, so if he deviates from our usual routine, I should trust that he has a reason. Additionally, I shouldn’t allow external factors stop me from doing my part. If I had remembered my place and the promise of my submission, I wouldn’t have stopped on my way to take his shoes off just because I was surprised by another person being with him. I shouldn’t feel shy or embarrassed about demonstrating my submission by following our protocol. I should feel proud and pleased with myself, happy to show off that submission and have others see the connection that Reaction Junkie and I have. In the future, when I think that Reaction Junkie is showing that he doesn’t care about our dynamic, or does something else that I feel hurt by, I’m going to do things differently. I’m going to assume that he’s included me in his decision making. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, not jump right to the worst conclusions. I’m going to remember that he loves me and cares about my feelings. I’m going to communicate. I’m going to follow our protocols and rules and do as he says no matter how I feel or who else is around. I’m going to recognize that he knows best. I’m going to actively remind myself that I’ve submitted to him all the time, not just when I feel like it. I’m going to work hard to be a better partner and to live up to what I’ve written on this blog. -- source link

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