chrystalwynd: Gravel City mc mf ff humor words: 4360 &nbs
chrystalwynd: Gravel City mc mf ff humor words: 4360 Jeremiah Chance rubbed his temples. He hated Tuesdays. As mayor of Gravel City, he had often considered banning Tuesdays, but reviewing the city charter had so far suggested he didn’t have the authority. He had a team of lawyers, clerks and dwarves looking for a loophole, but they hadn’t found anything yet. He sat back in his plush chair and glanced at the ‘Man of the Year’ trophy sitting on his desk. He sighed, then lifted his mug of coffee and took a swallow. Chance paused, then looked at the mug sadly and shook his head. He hit the button on his desk intercom. “Erin?” he said. “This coffee sucks.” The intercom crackled. “Yes, sir,” said Erin, his secretary and all-around girl Friday. “I know. It’s decaf. The delivery truck hasn’t shown up today.” Mayor Chance sighed and rubbed his temples again. Tuesdays. He pushed away the offending beverage and shuffled through the daily reports. The world domination special interest lobbyists were petitioning for ‘mad scientist’ to be recognized as a legitimate profession. Gravel City High School had been closed down for the day because some practical joker had bimbofied the math department. Traffic was gridlocked at Main and First Street due to the leather-bound six-and-a-half-foot tall dominatrix being worshipped in the middle of the intersection. Just another day in Gravel City. The intercom squawked. “Hey, boss,” said Erin. “Your first appointment of the day is here.” “All right, Erin,” said Chance. “Who is it?” “Shirley Compton from the Department of Stepford Wives.” “Fine,” said Chance. “Send her in.” A minute later his door opened. A smartly dressed black woman entered, followed by three young, fashionably dressed women with eerily similar features and smiles. Mayor Chance sat back in his chair. “Good morning, Miss Compton,” he said. “Who are your friends?” The black woman replied, “Ashley, Britney and Chloe.” The three women replied in unison, “Good morning, Mayor Chance.” Chance nodded. “That’s pretty disturbing,” he said. “Please don’t do that again.” He turned to the waiting Shirley Compton. “And what can I do for you this morning, Miss Compton?” “You know why I’m here, Jeremiah,” said Miss Compton. “We want representatives on the Urban Planning Committee.” “Sounds like a great idea,” said Chance. “I’ll think about it.” “That’s what you said last time I was here, Jeremiah.” “Well, I’m still thinking about it,” said Chance. “You’re stalling, Jeremiah,” said Compton. “Yes, I am,” said Chance. “The last time I said yes to that request, you and your neophytes created the scariest P.T.A. the world has ever seen.” “We were efficient, Jeremiah,” said Compton. “They simply weren’t ready for a P.T.A. that didn’t just sit around baking cookies.” “I’ll agree with you there,” said Chance. “Even the local Hell’s Angels participated in the bake sales, because they were afraid not to.” “We love cookies,” said Ashley, Britney and Chloe in unison. Chance eyelid flickered. “Could you please tell your sidekicks to stop the creepy choir-of-angels interjections?” “We’re sorry, Mayor Chance,” intoned all three. Chance closed his eyes and sighed. Compton crossed her arms and glared at Chance. “Well?” “I told you, Shirley,” he said. “I’ll think about it.” Compton stared at the mayor with hard, dark eyes. Then she leaned forward. “Do you know what you need, Jeremiah?” Chance stared back. “What would that be, Shirley?” “A wife,” she said. Then she stood and turned for the door, a flick of her wrist summoning Ashley, Britney and Chloe to follow her. “This isn’t over, Jeremiah.” “I’ve no doubt, Shirley,” he said, but they were already gone. Enjoying the momentary quiet, Chance reached for his coffee mug. Then he remembered. He hit the intercom button instead. “Erin, has the coffee arrived yet?” The intercom squawked. “No, Mr. Mayor.” “Of course,” he said. “No surprise, really. It’s Tuesday, you know.” “I beg your pardon, sir?” “Nothing. So that’s my last meeting for the day, right?” Something that sounded like muffled laughter emerged from the speaker. Then “Um, no sir. In fact, it’s time for your next meeting. The Engineering Faction representatives are here.” “The Geek Squad?” said Chance. He glared at his coffee mug. “Of course. Why not?” “Sir?” “Nothing. Send ‘em in.” The door opened and three thin men of varying heights but similar pocket protectors entered. All three sat down in front of the mayor’s desk. Chance nodded at them. “Orville, Irving, Melvin. Good morning, gentlemen. What can I do for you?” The one in the middle leaned forward and spoke. “We’re here to set up the contract, sir.” The mayor’s eyebrows rose. “Contract? What contract are you talking about, Orville?” “The contract you’re going to sign when you finally realize how much money you’ll save by letting my colleagues and I automate your workforce for you.” Chance looked closely at Orville. Then he sighed. “You’ve been reading one of those confidence rah-rah books again, haven’t you? Which one is it this time?” Orville beamed. ”How to Win Friends and Vaporize Your Enemies.” “I see,” said Chance. “Good choice. Sounds like a Pulitzer waiting to happen.” “Oh, gosh, yes!” said Orville. “It’s the literary equivalent of tearing out a man’s heart and showing it to him before he dies.” One of the geeks elbowed Orville. “Right,” said Orville. “Back to business. You’re having budget issues. You always have budget issues. We’re here to help. All we need is a state-of-the-art lab and a hundred tons of titanium. And a couple hundred plutonium batteries. And some…” “I didn’t quite catch that last part,” said Chance. “You were mumbling.” “Just some…” “You’re still mumbling,” said Chance, “but it sounds like you’re saying something about mounted laser-guided missiles.” Orville shrugged. “If I was the paranoid type,” said Chance, “I’d be tempted to say that sounds more like a death robot army than an automated crew of city workers.” Orville shrugged again and spread his hands. “To-may-toe, to-mah-toe…” “Well, sorry to disappoint you,” said Chance, “but I have constituents convinced Skynet is taking over my office just because I got an automated coffee-maker. Pretty sure they’d balk at my own death robot army.” Orville leaped to his feet, his face mottled. ”That..is…INSULTING…!” “Huh?” said Chance, baffled in the face of sudden nerd rage. “Skynet would never stoop to making coffee for anyone! Not even the mayor!” “Right you are,” said Chance. “Well, I’m glad we had a chance to have this little chat. I’m really busy today, so if you gentlemen don’t mind…?” “Okay, Mr. Mayor,” said Orville, “I can see where a ground floor approach might be a bit too much for you right now. I can understand that. So if you could just see your way to giving us a small grant to fund some research into-“ “Stop right there,” said Chance, holding up a hand, “if the rest of your sentence has anything at all to do with time travel.” There was complete silence for several seconds. Then Orville said, “But sir, the cost-to-benefit analysis for a flux capacitor indicates a potential paradigm-shift which could result in-“ Chance held up his index finger and moved it side-to-side. “No.” “But…!” “No.” “But…!” “You should go now,” said Chance. “We’ll talk again. Say fifty years from now? And only if you bring coffee.” Orville looked at Chance with sudden interest. “Coffee, you say? We’ve made some advances in that area, you know. Our beans are far more efficient than anything market-driven. Early data indicates the caffeine content levels out at 247% of the typical robusta coffee bean-“ “Stop,” said Chance. “We’ll pick this up later, okay? Shortly after Hell freez- wait. 247%, you say…?” Orville beamed. “Oh, yes. Our patent-pending process uses lasers to separate the-“ The intercom suddenly squawked. “Sir? Councilwoman Meredith Miles is here to see you.” Chance glared at the intercom. “What does the witch want?” “You shouldn’t call her that, sir.” “Why not?” said Chance. “it’s the truth. In fact, I should say it more often.” “You shouldn’t call her that because she’s standing right next to me.” “Right,” said Chance. “Of course she is. Tuesday. Hello, Meredith. We’ll keep this short in case you double-parked your broom.” Meredith’s voice crackled from the intercom. “You’re funny, Chance. Hysterical. I can’t wait to replace you as mayor. I’m here for our meeting.” “Fine,” said Chance. “Let’s get this over with. Erin?” “Yes, sir?” “Any update on the coffee delivery?” “No, sir.” “Fuck.” ***** “Mr. Mayor,” said Meredith Miles, “you are rude, abrasive, inefficient, vulgar, uncouth and have all the leadership abilities of a potato.” Chance’s secretary had brought him a fresh cup of the horrid beverage, even though he hadn’t asked for it. Chance assumed Erin was mad at him for something. Taking a swallow of the evil brew, he looked at the councilwoman and said, “Baked or au gratin?” Being the top councilperson didn’t stop Meredith from being attractive, and she was aware of that fact. She chuckled. “Baked, Mr. Mayor. You are definitely baked. Your arrogance is matched only by your incompetence.” Chance smiled and leaned back in his chair. “So did you have something you actually wanted to discuss or did you come here just to insult me?” “I’m not like you, Mr. Mayor,” said Meredith. “I’m efficient. I can do both.” Chance mused. “I should ask you to leave,” he said finally, “but this is the most normal conversation I’ve had all day. Coffee?” Meredith paused for a moment, then said, “That’s the first thing you’ve ever said to me that we can agree on.” Chance offered a beatific smile and pushed the button on the intercom. “Erin? Please bring Miss Miles a cup of coffee.” There was silence for a moment. Then the intercom squawked again. “Coffee for Miss Miles? Are you sure, sir? After all-“ “Yes,” interjected Chance. “Yes, I’m sure. Please bring Councilwoman Miles a cup of coffee.” “Yes, sir.” Chance turned back to Meredith. “You were saying?” “I am here on behalf of the citizens of this great metropolis, Mr. Mayor,” said Meredith. “You are doing them a grave disservice. It’s time for you to step down and let someone with vision run this city.” “Metropolis…?” Meredith smiled. “Perhaps a trifle overstated, but I have grand plans.” Erin entered the office. She set a mug in front of Meredith, then turned and left the office. Chance fought off a malicious smile. “Grand plans?” “Yes,” said Mededith, taking a swallow of the coffee. She opened her mouth to speak, then suddenly shuddered. “This is…this is vile.” “Yes,” said Chance, nodding. “Decaf. The truck is MIA.” “You’re a horrible man.” Chance shrugged. “Hey, you came at me. Consider it self-defense.” “My revenge upon you will be sweet.” Chance stared curiously. “You’re still drinking it.” Meredith drained the mug in one long swallow, then directed an evil smile toward Chance. “It builds character.” Chance blinked, impressed. “Sooo, grand plans. I assume that’s why you recently launched your smear campaign against me? Because I’m standing in your way?” “You got it in one, Mr. Mayor.” “Glad to hear it,” said Chance. “I was starting to think you really did believe I did those things to animals.” “Perhaps you do,” said Meredith, a malevolent smirk on her face. “I would never presume to judge your love life. That’s for the voters to decide.” “And the claims that I’m farming orphans to incubate alien eggs?” “Who’s to say you don’t?” “And I’m running an after-hours nun prostitution ring? Seriously?” Meredith shrugged. “You wouldn’t believe what my sources say you do with the blessed oil.” “C’mon, Meredith,” said Chance. “Even the Chrystal Heights Underline wasn’t buying it. Well, not much, anyway.” “Perhaps,” said Meredith, “but that rag still printed it.” “True,” mused Chance. “Still, they’re not exactly considered the peak of journalistic integrity.” “The story doesn’t need to be true, Chance,” said Meredith. “It only needs to plant the seed of doubt. For an intelligent man, Mr. Mayor- and yes, I admit you’re intelligent- you have a surprising lack of political survival skills.” There was a sudden knock and the office door opened. Erin walked in. “Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Mayor,” said the secretary, “but this was sent over by the Engineering Faction.” She held out what appeared to be a large over-engineered thermos. Chance hesitated for a moment, then reached out and took it from Erin. “Thank you.” Erin turned and walked out, closing the door behind her. Chance unscrewed the thermos and took an experimental whiff. Then his eyes widened. “Well, Meredith, I’m glad we had a chance to have this little chat. Stop by Erin’s desk on your way out to set an appointment for you to abuse me again next week.” She leaned forward. “You’re not getting off the hook that easily, Chance! Your ineptitude is driving this city into the ground. Just turn it over to me. Just do it. Let it go.” Chance dumped his coffee into a potted plant. Then he filled the mug with fluid from the thermos. “I’ll pass,” he said. “But feel free to bring it up again next week.” “I’m serious, Chance!” said Meredith, through clenched teeth. “I’m giving you a chance to get out gracefully now! If you force my hand, I’m going to become really unpleasant. Chance took a deep swallow from his mug. His expression became dreamy. “Those geeks,” he said. “Those wonderful, wonderful geeks.” “Mr. Mayor!” said Meredith. “Don’t you dare ignore me…!” “I wouldn’t dream of it,” said Chance. “Did you know there’s a vein on your forehead that bulges when you’re angry?” “Damn you, Jeremiah!” said Meredith, jumping to her feet and hurtling her mug at Chance. “You are such a…such a…such a man!” Chance looked down at the brown spot where the mug had struck his chest. Dregs of coffee had stained his shirt. He looked at Meredith. “And you, Meredith,” said Chance pleasantly, “can go fuck yourself.” Meredith opened her mouth to reply, but suddenly went silent. A strange look crossed her attractive features. Then she grabbed the ‘Man of the Year’ trophy off Chance’s desk. A moment later, she pulled the hem of her skirt up to her waist, slid the man-shaped trophy inside her vagina and began sliding the trophy back-and-forth inside her. Chance stared at Meredith, awed at his own success. “Councilwoman? What…what are you doing?” He thought for a moment, then added, “Besides the obvious, I mean.” Meredith continued to work the trophy back-and-forth inside her, her hips bucking, muted sounds of heated pleasure filling the office. Chance took another swallow of coffee as he pondered the situation. Of all directions he had thought this meeting might take, this one hadn’t occurred to him. At least not the trophy part. Short-sighted of him, he decided belatedly. And then he realized what she was doing. “Meredith,” he said, “stop fucking yourself.” And the trophy stopped. A beaming, beatific smile slowly formed on Chance’s face. “Meredith,” said Chance, “unbutton your blouse.” Meredith’s hands moved to her blouse, her fingers undoing the buttons one-by-one. The blouse slowly parted from the top, exposing her healthy cleavage. The final button was undone, allowing her blouse to fall open, her flat belly and generous bosom on full display. “Remove your blouse,” said Chance, “and then your bra.” Moments later, the councilwoman stood topless in front of Chance’s desk. Chance reached for his phone. ***** Erin entered the office some time later. She came to a complete stop as she realized three things. The first thing she realized was that councilwoman Meredith Miles was naked. The second thing was that the attractive councilwoman was performing a very erotic dance in front of Mayor Chance’s desk. And the third thing Erin realized was that she very much liked what she saw. Still seated at his desk, Chance looked at his secretary and smiled. “As you can see, the councilwoman and I have worked out our differences.” Erin bit her lower lip, her eyes on the rolling bare hips of the dancing councilwoman. “It appears so, sir.” Chance stood and walked toward the door. “Do me a favor, please,” he said. “Keep an eye on her for a minute. Be her audience until I get back.” Meredith continued gyrating, her arms above her head, breasts thrust forward. Her hips writhed to the music coming from Chance’s computer, her bare feet whispering over the carpeted floor. Her eyes were closed, her lips pouting. It was hot, sensuous dancing, and her nipples were hard. Erin nodded. “I’m on it, sir.” Chance watched the scene for another few seconds, then nodded. “Glad to hear it.” And then he was out the door. ***** Satisfied that Erin would remain in place for the time being, Chance moved toward the reception area. He had to perform an unpleasant task and he didn’t want an audience while he was doing so. Chance was rarely in this area, as he had his own office. This was Erin’s domain. Erin ran a tight ship and kept everything very organized. He glanced around, checking for anything different, anything unusual. Nothing. Chance sighed. He was going to have to do this the hard way. He began going through drawers and opening cabinets. The longer his search continued, the more hopeful Chance became that he wouldn’t find what he was afraid he was going to find. And then he found it. Chance sighed. He had just yanked open the bottom drawer of a rarely-used file cabinet. Looking down, he found himself staring at numerous packages of coffee. His coffee. His normal, everyday, caffeinated coffee. Erin had lied to him. He wasn’t out of coffee. There was no late truck delivery. Erin was deliberately withholding his java. And Chance knew why. Erin had betrayed him. It was time for a reckoning. ***** Chance walked into the office without knocking. “All right, Erin,” he said, “it’s time for us to have a little-“ Erin jumped away from the still-naked Meredith, blushing brightly. She looked away guiltily. “Oh, gawd,” said Erin. “I’m sorry! You were just gone so long! I was just…I mean…I was just…I was…” Chance chuckled, then waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “Just do me one favor, okay?” Still blushing, Erin nodded. Chance poured a shot of coffee from the thermos. “Drink this.” Cheeks red, Erin took the cup from Chance and drank the shot. She gasped. “Omigod,” she said. “That’s…that’s…” “Powerful,” said Chance. “I know. I can hear your heart racing from here.” Erin blinked, clutching her chest. “Will I live?” Chance chuckled. “Yes,” he said. “You’ll be fine. And you might find that you’re not so anxious to give me decaf coffee anymore.” Erin’s cheeks grew even brighter. “Don’t worry about it for now, okay?” Chance said, “I’m going to fix everything. But we’re going to stay away from coffee for right now. Go make a pitcher of iced tea and bring it in here, okay?” Erin scurried out of the room. Chance turned to Meredith Miles. “Okay, Meredith,” he said. “You can get dressed now. Put your clothes on and leave. On your way out, stop by my secretary’s desk and set up a dinner date with her. Afterward, take her home and pick up from where you left off here. Now get going. ” Meredith blinked, her features still fixed in a dreamy expression. She gathered her clothes and dressed. Moments later she was out the door. Alone in his office once more, Chance leaned back and closed his eyes. All he could do now was wait. ***** Some time later, his office door opened. Chance looked up. Then he smiled. “Good afternoon,” he said. “I don’t recall you having an afternoon appointment as well.” Shirley Compton smiled. Her three blonde assistants filed in behind her. Shirley said, “Hello again, Jeremiah.” Ashley, Britney and Chloe said in unison, “Good afternoon, Mayor Chance.” Chance sighed. “I really wish they wouldn’t do that.” Shirley shrugged. “It’s empowering.” “I’ve no doubt,” said Chance. “Would you like some iced tea? It’s terribly sweet. I’d offer you coffee, but we’ve had some supply-and-demand issues today.” “I’m sorry to hear that, Jeremiah,” said Compton. “Some iced tea would be nice.” “So tell me,” said Chance, pouring out four glasses of iced tea and handing them to his guests, “to what do I owe the pleasure of this unexpected meeting? As I recall, our meeting this morning ended with you wishing a…a wife upon me.” Shirley took a swallow of her beverage. Then she said, “And I meant it, Jeremiah. I think a wife would do you good.” Chance chuckled. “I doubt the woman exists who could put up with me as their husband.” Shirley smiled, her attractive mocha features almost glowing. “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, Jeremiah. But I’m willing to help. In fact, don’t you agree it would be a good idea to let me help you find a wife, Jeremiah?” The four women set their now-empty glasses on Chance’s desk. Chance’s eyes narrowed. Then he chuckled. “So that’s it,” he said. “That’s what you’re after. You’re trying to get me married to one of your flunkies.” Shirley’s smile was suddenly a dangerous, sinister thing. “Of course, Jeremiah,” she said. “A dutiful wife to keep you good and dosed with our specially-brewed coffee.” Chance nodded. “That horrible stuff you’ve had Erin pouring into me all day.” “So you already figured it out?” said Shirley. “Perhaps you’re not as foolish as you look after all. No matter, though. It’s already in your system. You’re ours to command now, Jeremiah. Just like your secretary.” Chance leaned back and put his feet on the desk. “I’m not one to knock a clever power-grab, Shirley,” he said, “but seriously…did you have to make it so revolting? I mean, disguising it as decaf coffee? For a group that specializes in baking delicious goodies, you suck at making mind-control serums.” “Your arrogance is misplaced, Jeremiah,” said Shirley. “You speak as if you could do better.” “Maybe I could do better,” said Chance. “Did you enjoy your tea?” Shirley paused. Then she, Ashley, Britney and Chloe looked down at the empty glasses on Chance’s desk. “It wasn’t a bad idea overall,” said Chance. “It might have even worked, except for one thing. It turns out that a certain potent, over-engineered coffee can wipe out the effects of your mind-control serum.” The four women from the Department of Stepford Wives started to slowly back toward the door. Chance smiled pleasantly and said, “Stay where you are.” Shirley, Ashley, Britney and Chloe froze, suddenly unable to move. Chance remained sitting, his legs crossed at the ankles, his feet still on the desk. “I have some guests that will be here shortly,” said Chance, “and when they get here, I expect you to treat them with a certain amount of courtesy and decorum.” He then went into some detail about the exact level of decorum expected. He spoke for some time. Eventually the intercom crackled. “Sir,” said Erin, “the rest of your guests are here.” “Excellent,” said Chance. “Send them in, please.” Moments later the office door opened again and Orville, Irving and Melvin filed in. “Good afternoon, gentlemen,” said Chance. “Thank you for showing up on short notice. I think, however, you’ll find it worth your time.” “No problem, Mr. Mayor,” said Orville. “I take it you found it satisfactory?” “I did indeed, Orville,” said Chance. “It’s able to neutralize a number of chemical mind-control properties and it’s highly caffeinated as well. I believe we can work out a contract that will benefit both parties.” Orville beamed. “That’s good news, Mr. Mayor!” “We can squat on the horse blankets and knock out details tomorrow,” said Chance. “For today, though, as a sign of good faith…” Chance looked at Ashley, Britney and Chloe. “All right, ladies,” he said. “Time for you to show these boys how grateful the mayor’s office is for their services.” Shirley Compton’s three blonde assistants suddenly began pressing themselves against Orville, Irving and Melvin, their hands roving in a manner that caused the geeks to stammer and stutter, as well as springing erections so quickly that three muted sonic booms occurred. The blonde women led the giggling, snorting geeks through the door, leaving the confused Shirley Compton alone in the office with Chance. Chance pressed the button on the intercom. “Clear my schedule for the rest of the day, Erin,” he said. “And then take the rest of the day off. After all, you have a date with Meredith Miles tonight, don’t you?” Erin’s giggle sounded through the intercom. “Are you sure you’re okay with that, sir? I mean, she is trying to destroy you politically.” “Not anymore she isn’t,” said Chance. “It seems the video function of my cell phone was working during her naked dance. Unless she wants to be a social media star, she’s going to leave me alone now.” “That’s good news, sir!” said Erin. Then she said, “Wait…your cell phone was recording her while she was dancing? The whole time she was dancing…?” “Have a nice date, Erin,” said Chance. He pushed the button and looked at Shirley Compton. “Your turn.” Shirley Compton glared at Chance. “This is so…just so unfair!” she said. “It was such a good idea! Months and months of planning down the drain! It’s not fair! It’s not right!” Chance leaned back and casually smiled. “Yes,” he said, “I know. You will look back and see today as the day your plans were wrecked. A day of crushing defeat. A day of embarrassment, of outright humiliation. A day when victory was so close you could taste it, a day when bitter loss defined your outcome.” “Yes,” said Compton, through clenched teeth, feeling herself move against her will toward Chance, feeling herself drop to her knees, seeing her perfectly manicured nails moving over Chance’s thighs, pulling down his zipper. Feeling her tongue moistening her lips against her will. “Yes! You can stop crowing about it!” Mayor Jeremiah Chance took a deep swallow of the powerful geek coffee. “Today will be a day that defined your forward path. A day of destiny for you, if you will,” said Chance. “For me…it was Tuesday.” THE END -- source link
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